what could have been

On Saturday I had one of those moments that happen very infrequently when parenting hurt kids with issues. My sixteen year old is in the color guard for CAP. They are not all that organized,but they are trying to get more so. On Saturday they were to do color guard for the opening ceremonies for the Special Olympics track and field meet. ( my son initially told us it was a competition for all the local flights
color guards,and then it was to open for some “event or something”) (details are never all that clear with him).
Anyway…..
I was standing at the rail in the stands watching the parade of athletes when it hit me-and it hit me hard- if no one had worked with him,if he had never found a family,if he had no one to push him,spend years teaching and re-teaching him he would have been on the field. He would not have been in the color guard giving suport to those on the field.
I cried. Quietly. By myself. It dawned on me in a very profound way just how far my son has come since he came to us just shy of six years of age. (eleven years ago this month)
No,he is not like other nearly seventeen year old teens. He may never be fully independent. We may still be looking at mental illness.( I am very much afraid that we are;neurological problems have been ruled out) None of this has changed.
He is,however,so much more than we were told to expect him to be.
It is easy to forget when in the midst of all the problems just how much progress has been made.
I have been feeling a bit of a mommy failure this past year or so. Loosing youngest knocked me flat. Watching my fledgling adults take flight has been nerve wracking. Watching my sixteen year old loose cognative ability so hard fought for has been beyond difficult.
On Saturday I felt that perhaps,just perhaps, I have made a difference after all.
On Saturday my perspective on how I see my son’s issues changed.
On Saturday how I see my son changed.
I am once again able to find joy in who he is,instead of grieve for who he is not.
Joy has been ellusive up until now.
I am thankful to have found it again.
I am thankful for my son.

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Grandkids and spring

Starting Sat afternoon the invasion of the grandchildren will commence. By Sunday I will have six children seven and under causing havoc and mayhem at my house. They are coming in batches and will go home the same way. This way I will only have all six together for a day or so. I am looking forward to it. My grandchildren talk to me. I have told the sixteen year old I am going to need his help when I have both toddlers. They are both into anything and everything. My grandson is two and a half and weighs in at forty plus and wears 4t-5t. My granddaughter is a year and a half, weighs in at under twenty and still wears nine month sized clothes. I need to get a picture of the two of them together.
I have started my courses. Training videos have not improved over the years. The woman in the first one is just down right creepy. This is just a crash review. The knowledge is coming back better than I had expected.I hope to be done with this part in just a couple of weeks. I still need BLS and a TB test. I will schedual those for week after next. Have I mentioned I am nervous? Scared? At times terrified?
Hoping for some rain this weekend. We are so dry. I cannot remember ever having red flag (fire) warnings in February and March before. We should be hitting tht rainy season and we are dry as dust. It does not bode well for this summer.
I love spring. I love the flowers and the warm weather. I love the first green of spring. In just a few weeks (if we get some rain) things should be greening up nicely. The mountain laurels and the red bud trees are in bloom. Wild flowers are begining to pop out. I haven’t seen any blue bonnets yet. They should show up soon,although they there won’t be near as many this year as years past. Blue bonnets like a wet fall. Ours was not that wet.  Still,blue bonnets in any number mean spring.
Spring signifies hope.
We all need hope.

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This and that,

My son has been doing better emotionally. He is still pretending to do his biology (I mean really,does he thinnk I don’t notice he has been recopying the same page in his lab book for the last week-he has never even brought out the microscope to look at the slides-and does he really think I will accept it when he finally shows it to me?) He likes Khan Academy and spends an hour or so looking at the videos-he never works problems,and he is listening to the Great courses I have been getting for him. Three hours of “school”. I figure I will have to graduate him following the special education guidlines when he is twenty-one. But, and this is a big but,he isn’t giving me attitude and nothing has mysteriously been broken and he cooperates when I have him do chores, his ticking has decreased somewhat so I am not going to change things.
I am officially enroled in an RN refresher course. My packet should arrive today. I will do all but the jurisprudence class via corrispondence and then I will crank out my  80 hrs of clinicals. It will be the clinicals that I will panic over. I haven’t done patient care in over fifteen years. Of course then I have to find employment;at fifty-three. I have to find a way to work and keep my son supervised which will be another issue. One step at a time. I am,most of the time, excited about returning to the world of grown-ups. It needs to be done regardless. My husband and I will have to eat when we get old and decrepit. While it would be nice I am sure,the tent with the garden hose and the bucket in the backyard my grown kids have offered just doesn’t seem all that atractive to us.
We have ducks now. They are messy and fun. Did I mention messy? We have one magpie and three black runners. I have no idea of the gender makeup yet. Hopefully it will be one male and the rest females. Hopefully.
That brings our critter total to eight chickens,four ducks,three cats,two dogs, some fish (we need to start looking for cat fish and talapia) and in mid-April, bees (here’s hoping this batch “takes”) My potatoes in the hueglekulture bed are begining to come up. Onions are planted. We still have lettuce in the aquaponics bed and most of my seedlings are doing OK. I did mold all my herbs by putting them in the little indoor green house,though. Sigh.  Live and learn.
Only one kiddo at home,though.
My husband has been the one to bring up more kids. It is usually me. If you continued to add kiddos while in your fifties (or know of anyone who did and did NOT get murdered in their bed-remember youngest,we do) please chime in. I would have to work with the next set,although if I am working my husband can perhaps take a position that isn’t sixty-seventy hours a week,and I could work part time. In my past life I was a single homeschooling parent to three traumatized children. (Two were homeschooled,the other went to “normal” school). I’ve done it beore,but I was much younger. Much younger. You see I am insane. I am actually thinking about it. A lot.
I am working out of my slump,getting a bit better perspective on life, at least I am getting a bit more philisophical about what I can and cannot fix.
It is supposed to be in the mid eighties today. It will be a good day to get outside and work on the yard. Tomorrow a cold front will come through. Such is life.

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On to the next step.

My son’s MRI showed no problems. We will do the EEG in two weeks but I doubt it will show anything. The Neurologist says probable complex migrains (the consumption diagnosis for all things brain related) and we have started him on a low dose med for the constant photophobia. Next step will be to the neuropsych for testing. Step three will be the head shrinker. We did get a difinitive diagnossis of torrettes syndrome. With all the ticking,this was not a surprise.
My son still seems to be having conversations with someone we cannot see. I suppose it could be a form of tick,but…..
We are regrouping,my husband and I. We are making an effort to play with this son and  go back to parenting him as if he is about six to eight (closer to six,actually.) We told him he had to play Sequence with us last night and once he was done conversing with who,or whatever,he had his discussion with (complete with facial expressions as if he were explaining something to someone stubborn) he had a good time and we saw lots of smiling. I am playing with him and doing word games like I do with the grandchildren. He seems to be responding positively. We figure if this is mental illness we need to have his complete trust if it progresses. If is is just some bizarre variation of FASD/Torrettes/ adolecent emotional issues, increasing his trust in us can’t hurt either.
I find myself looking for reasons for the odd (for this son) behavior. I find myself wanting him to be secretly on Facebook and talking to people on line when he smiles,laughs and shakes his head in agreement while doing his biology on line. It is that or the ciriculum is much more entertaining than I was aware of.  I had a harder time when we were out to eat finding a reason for the responses to nothing visable. Maybe he was remembering a past conversation? 
This past weekend I had picked out a book for him to read for school (he occasionally still does his school reading). Do you remember the game you play with small children when they are behind you and you call for them as iff they aren’t there and then turn so they stay behind you as you “look everywhere” for them. My almost seventeen year old son giggled when I did this with him.
I kept my smile bright and my tears inside.
I am about to start classes to reactivate my RN . Most of the class work I can do at home,but I will need eighty hours of clinical in a city  ninety miles away. I will need to work away from home. I have no idea what we are going to do with this son when I am gone. My husband works sixty to seventy hours a week plus commute (part of the reason I am going back to work-he needs to be able to find something that isn’t a cardiac arrest in the making).  I have no idea what we are going to do with a nearly seventeen year old who cannot be left alone for more than an hour and even that hour means he sinks a bit further into his own head.
One step at a time.
One step at a time.

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Neurological changes or brand new psychiatric issues or just FAS or….

My sixteen year old is regressing emotionally. He is having subtle personality changes (and every once and a while not so subtle changes). He is ticking more than he isn’t. His verbal ticks are worse than his physical ones. He tells me the light hurts his eyes,his balance is off,he is episodically dizzy and nauseous. He tells me in a small voice he is forgetting things-a lot. (more than his normal;enough it is scaring him). A few times it has looked as if he has been having a conversation with someone we cannot see. He denies seeing or hearing anything we cannot-but then he will deny the cookie in his hand.  His mouth does move when he thinks. It might be that. It just didn’t feel like that. Last night he had rythmic movements with his arms at supper. It is hard to describe in words. It was new. He is back to needing one step instructions. He has been able to follow two and three step instructoins for  a few years now. He tells me that paying video games (he is still grounded from them and is not seeming to want to earn them back) makes his head hurt. He spends a lot of his  unstructured time staring. Just staring.
He seems to sink down and then come back up to almost where he was before he declined-but never quite where he was. I am beginning to see a pattern of sorts. 
We see the neurologist on Wed. His MRI was last Fri.  The new adolecent specialist was seen last Monday. He  ordered a boat-load of lab work. I really liked him. He understood FAS. He spoke to my son with respect and automaticly adjusted his words to my son’s level without sounding condensending. He told my son it is probably a migraine issue,but it is better to to be safe and make sure, He told me in the hall he is looking for progressive Encephalpathy -it happens sometimes with FAS. He doesn’t think it is the onset of mental illness. He doubts it is strep related (PANDAS).

Years ago his older brother did someting sort-of-kind-of similar. His brother lost most of his cognative ability almost overnight when he was between twelve and thirteen. His neuropsych said he was presenting like a stroke victim. We were never able to find out what caused the decline. I can remember watching that son look at his fork with confusion at the supper table,unable to remember how to use it. Eventually, after about two years he began to come out of it. Once he had physically painful migrains his mental abilities slowly returned. Now he is twenty and on his own. Every once and a while he will have the same blank,confused look,but never for long.Yes, we saw specialists. No, there were never any answers.
We are hoping and praying that his little brother is experiencing something of the same inexplicable sort.  There are big differences between the two. We know that. Still, it is something to hold on to.
Today my son is having a good day.
He is smiling.
He is not hiding his face.
He is making eye contact.
He is clean.
He started his laundry on his own
He is working  on Kahn Academy on the computer for school.
The ticking is minimal.
I have not had to remind him to eat.
He isn’t nauseous.
His eyes do not hurt as badly.
Sometimes the good will last a few days-up to a week. Sometimes the good will last a few hours. Sometimes his days are dark for the same varying periods of time. I am seeing patterns in the cycles,but cannot see what triggers him to cycle. I just know that he never fully regains his baseline.
Emotionally he is between six and eight. He had the best time having me chase him around the house last night. It is the same game I play with the grandbabies. It was good to hear him laugh and see him smile.

I have not been blogging because I did not want to make this real. How is that for denial with a side order of magical thinking?  I am tired of worry and grief. I am the world famous “the truth,no matter how painful,can be dealt with” person.  I wanted to believe my son’s issues were emotional. I wanted (and still want) to be overreacting. FAS is hard enough on a good day. Adolecence isn’t all that much fun on a bad day. Throw in some adoption issues and that should be enough.

I am praying for answers this time. Technology and brain science has come a long way in the last six years. Of course I am also afraid of what answers we may get.  Still, the truth,no matter how hard, can be dealt with.
Right?

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we survived 2012 (and the holidays)

Christmas was discombobulated,but non-eventful.
To raise my spirits (and challenge other’s perception of my questionable sanity) I kept five out of the six grandbabies from the
Wed.to the Sat.after Christmas. (little bit hasn’t been weaned yet). Four little boys,five down to two-and-a-half and my seven year old granddaughter.Once again we had illness,puke on the diningroom rug,exploding toddler diapers as the toddler slid down the stairs,hillarity,messes,and general chaos. It was great
Here are some random pictures. 
Christmas  Eve with my three youngers: (ignore the eyemakeup on my daughter-we all did)

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Christmas Day with my oldest son and his two kiddos:

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Chaos and more chaos:

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have a passive aggressive holiday

As I have said before,I prefer outright defiance (sans violence) to passive aggression any day of the week. Unfortunately,my sixteen year old prefers passive aggression with a healthy dose of blaming others (primarily me) for his own actions thown into the mix.
Sigh.
One of my all time favorite Christmas decorations was found broken yesterday. I could have blamed the cats except for one fairly large detail. The decoration,a Santa cow in case you are interested, was found upright with his broken leg laying neatly beside him. This has happened before with treasured (non-valuble) objects. I have had to box up all the Sculpty figures my middle daughter made for me during her highschool years because this same son was slowly destroying them one by one.If I repaired one, it would disappear a month or two later. Now it is my Santa collection that is suffering the same fate.
I am missing plates; salad plates to be exact. I should have fourteen(one breaking a couple of years ago). I had fourteen two weeks ago. I now have nine. I did search his room to see if he had just squirrled them away under his bed and was refusing to bring them downstairs. No plates. I am assuming he threw them into the trash at some point. Why plates we eat off of? These are Correll dishes and managed to survive Youngest son and various toddler-aged grandchildren. Perhaps they wanted to live in someone else’s kitchen?
All of my bookmarks are missing off the laptop. All of them. I only use the laptop for work that is too data heavy for my tablet. Months may  and do go by when I never touch it at all. My son uses it daily for school. My husband uses it just as infrequently as I. I am thankful I backed up important files on the external harddrive (kept in my room) or I suspect many of those would also be missing (and may be-I did not check)
I have password protected my phone and need to do the same on my tablet because my son is changing settings. So far it has just been my phone,but my guess is he will move to my tablet since I locked the former down.
Money is once again missing from my purse. I never keep more than twenty dollars at a time in cash because this has been a problem off and on through the years. I have gotten lax the past couple of months. It has been a single here and a single there I believe, though I did have a disppearing,reappearing ten dollar bill this week. What brought this to my scattered attention was the fact I had no cash to buy my son dinner between his therapy and CAP. I told him to make himself a sandwitch, unless he had his own money he wanted to use as I had none. He pulled out a roll of singles. Not bad for a kid that has  refused to earned any money in over a year.
We do offer to give him jobs for that very purpose. In fact, at this very moment he can earn forty dollars every two weeks for keeping the yard work up. The priviso being he must take initiative and not wait until we have a family yard work day. If we all are working,he gets to do his share with no renumeration whatsoever.  So far he hs chosen to do his work for free.
He is refusing to do anything for anyone for Christmas.
At this very moment he is staring at a biology test he has studied for. He has been staring at it for almost an hour now. He stared at his last test as well. He took a zero. It looks as if he will be taking a second  zero today. I used to let him make up tests when he was finished being stuborn. I do not do that any more. I haven’t done it since he hit  high school level courses.
I think the one thing that has upset me the most this past week concerns the tablet we bought him last year for Christmas. It is a Vizio and there is a design flaw which makes the charger jack detach internally. This happened once before and the company will and has replaced the unit for free. I have given my son a box to package the unit in. All my son has to do is to either print or write out an address label and place the tablet into the box and tape it shut. He was told by Vizio he had eleven days from the day he set this up to get the unit to them for a free exchange.
He will not do it.
I told him,his dad told him he needed to address the box and we would drop it off at the post  office. He has the information needed-we do not (on the off chance we would do this for him out of sheer frustration). He contacted Vizio a week ago Tuesday. This is now day nine. The broken tablet (his big gift last year. A gift he used daily) sits on the table by the front door on top of the USPS box in plain view,driving me batty and causing me to have a very bloody tongue.
Talk about cutting one’s nose off to spite one’s face…….
One step forward,ten steps back.
Well,at least he isn’t peeing on anything (yet). Teen age boys have very large bladders.
There is nothing like a little (OK, a lot) of passive aggression to put one in the Christmas Spirit.
On the up side,I only have one acting this way instead of three or four. My son is not and has never been violent,which is a big plus.
Passive aggression,it could be worse.
It could be plain aggression.

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it isn’t about guns)

I will not pretend to be able to get my mind around the slaughter of innocents. I cannot do it. It is impossible for a “normal” thinking person with any sort of inner morrality to do so. I am also neurologically intact. I do not suffer from mental illness. I have never taken psychotropic drugs and my recreational stage ended well over thirty years ago. I do know a couple of things,though. I know that we as a society do not respect the sanctity of life. I know we do not value our children (or our elderly for that matter). I know we offer absolutley no real help for the mentally ill-especially mentally ill adolecents. We do,however,offer quite a bit of blame for the parents franticly trying to help their children while trying to keep themselves safe. Look at my family’s story. Remember my Youngest. Know that he is more than capable of murder. Know that we were not able to access proper help for him. Know that the system that helped to create him was the same system that kept us from finding what help there was. Know that my son is in a family,a school, a town that (as far as we know) has no intention of even recognizing who and what he really is. Know he is hurting someone. Now, Today. Know he will continue to hurt others for his entire life. He cannot help himself. If you asked him,he would tell you the truth. Medication never helped my son. Psychiatric hospitalization only gave us recpite-it never even tried to help my son. The juvenile justice system tried to help my son,but had no treatment programs equipt to handle his level of need. (so they sent him home and threatened to call CPS) No private therapist would see our son because their liability would be too high. Our insurance only covered thirty days of residential treatment-for the year. Our state medicaid, we were told,did not cover residential care. Our adoption assistance only covered thirty days of residential care for the life of my son. Add it up,sixty days from the admisson to the psych ward to being kicked out of residential treatment-back to our home where he told everyone he wanted to kill me.CPS (bless their hearts) threatened to remove our other children if we did not give them concservitor ship (actually it was to be joint concervitorship we were told-yet another lie) to keep our son in treatment. Of course CPS went against our wishes and the entire mental health team and placed our son into a ” theraputic foster home” ignoring the fact we were also a licensed theraputic home. This is, of course the home where he was allowed (encouraged?) to repeatedly sodomize two other boys,one over the course of weeks with a wooden cross he made in shop class. A cross he would not have been allowed to carry in our home because of his history of using everything and anything as a potential weapon. CPS then placed our son in a different part of our very large state and we had no choice but to give up all parental rights. He could not come home. He wasn’t safe. He isn’t safe. Where was our son’s ad Litem, you ask? It was she who pushed to keep him out of the treatment he so desperately needs, to keep charges from being pressed against him and to make sure we could no longer have any contact with him whatsoever. Another abandonment. Another mom who left him. Not our wishes. Never our wishes. What on earth does all this rambling have to do with the murder of small children? What does it have to do with guns? It is a case history of a murderous child. It is just one example of a family (ours in this case) who spent years trying to obtain help for their son. There are thousands more like us in my state alone. It is an example of just how little help there is. In many ways our family was luckier than most. None of us were ever seriously hurt. The state did not remove our other children for having their audacity of adopting Youngest. We were not ordered to pay child support back to the state when we “voluntarily gave up our parental rights. Guns? This has nothing at all to do with guns,or video games,or goth (or nerd depending on which news source you read),or divorce or money or lack there of. It has everything to do with mental illness and our society’s descent into a moral wasteland. We need to listen to the families of the mentally ill. We need to recognize that at this time,there are those who need residential care-not prison or the streets. It is time to stop blaming the parents or the weapons of choice and see things for what they are. This is all about mental illness. We need to do this now. Yesterday. Because,you know what? It is going to get worse-much worse. It is going to get worse because we as a society refuse to acknowledge we are part of the probelm. We blame and scapegoat. We make fun of. We have a misguided sense of economy (it is always less expensive to prevent a major problem-i.e. Provide treatment,than to repair shattered lives. Back to my own son….. Do I love him still? More than words can tell. Am I afraid for him? Yes. Am I afraid of him? I am terrified. That is what being a mom to a severly mentally ill child is all about.

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one doing much better,one still on the fence and one well on the way to a becoming a trainwreck

First the good stuff.
My sixteen year old is motivated (at least he is verbalising motivation) to  promote in CAP. I am hoping he will follow through. He needs the affirmation.

He and I visited a Lutheran Church this Sunday. It is a small congregations which suits both of us just fine. I liked it. What is more important is my son felt comfortable there. The pastor preached (I know,Lutherans don’t “preach”) on the importance of showing Christ’s love. My son had tears in his eyes then and again when we took communion. He even wanted to discuss the service and why he liked it.
He is sharing what he is thinking!
He is motivated to go forward!
For this week at least we have seen so much progress I am afraid to jinx it.
The test will be how he comes back from his brother and sister’s place. He spent the night last night.

I dropped him off,scoped out the apartment and got to meet my  older son’s buddy (who I think lives there) and saw my daughter. My son was happy to see me and to show off his place He tells me he is barely making it finacially but his sister is doing very well (ya think?).
If it were just him,I would have had no trepidation when I left the sixteen year old.

My daughter is a different story.

I doubt she will be home for Christmas. She was heming and hawing when I aske if they were still coming. I did tell my son I would fetch him for Christmas dinner and again on Christmas Day if his sister did not  come.

This irritated her.

She is begining to show signs of either heavy drinking or some other substance abuse. Not meth at least. She is too heavy I think for it to be meth. (leave me my delusions if this is not accurate-I do not want to know ) She forgets. She forgets in less than twenty four hours. Her speech patterns are back like they were when she was twelve.
She showed my her art. She is  quite talanted and with some instruction could be very good. At least she was.
Her art has reverted back to what she was doing at eleven or so. Nine months ago she would have been embarased with what she showed me.
I don’t fully understand  the extent of her cognative slide. I have never heard of speech and art reverting to childhood due to substance abuse before.

She refused to show me her bedroom and became upset when her brother tried to open her door to show me. (I did not ask,her brother was showing off the apartment and showed me his room and  tried very hard to show me his sister’s.((there was something he wanted me to see))) She ran down the hall and blocked the door. Her exuse was she had dirty clothes on the floor. (???)
I didn’t make a big deal about it. I just teased her about her housekeeping.
She never made eye contact; even when I gave her her birthday gift.
She did show me her skimpy costume she was wearing to the company Christmas party.
Her  boundries leave a bit to be desired.

She could be so much more than this.
Does it even matter if this is FAS,adoption issues, or teenage rebelion (in a twenty-one year old)?  At this point it simply is.

I am praying her brothers do not follow her down this path. My twenty year old is still on the fence. He does not use his friends,however. He  loves us. He wants us to be proud of him. Those are the differences.

My sixteen year old is making choices. He is, for the first time in his life with us,reaching out and letting us see who is inside.  This is very new.
I’ll take it

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too many thoughts in my head

Even though I haven’t been very good about blogging this past year,I still blog in my addled brain quite frequently. It is just that this past year has been somewhat horendous and many of those thoughts have been a bit contradictory and dark. Therefore,as hard as it is to believe,I have attempted to not share most of what my brain has churned about.
In my family we tend to handle most negative things by reminding ourselves it could have been worse. (this trait annoys my brother to no end). In fact the first thing out of my mouth is usually barely paraphrased words to that effect for every negative thing. I find out a couple of days before my son is to return home that he has been sodomising other boys with his foster father’s knowledge (and approval?); we could have found out after he was home by his sodomising his brother or a grandchild-it could have been worse. My husband has to face head on the callousness of his father and youngest brother to his dying mother suffering,their embarassing rudness to the staff that cared for her quite lovingly,their anger we had come to sit by her bedside,well it could have been worse. She could have died alone,in pain.
It is obvious that my granddaughter’s outcome was most definitely the best possible. What would have been worse was not catching the heart defect until the unimaginable had happened. 
That was just a three month period last year,the major crisis,not the many minor ones that continued through out the year,not the continuing fallout from one or two that still cause pain.
Still,it could have been worse.
Is it any wonder I have stuck my head in the social sands and been reluctant to re-enter “normal” life?
If you ask me how I am doing I will tell you “I’m fine”. If you react in horror or in sympathy to any of our “life events” I will be the first to assure you “It could have been worse.”
Optimistic(?) stoisism as a defense mechanism.
Can you tell I am running up against the annivercery of losing Youngest?
There are positive things happening in our lives nowadays as well.

My sixteen year old has a friend spending the night.
Yes,for the first time in his life my son has a buddy over.
I bought Dorritos and soda and baked some cookies and they stayed up late playing video and watching movies.
I hope there is a repeat. I like the boy. He is younger than my son,but he is highly motivated and intelligent and cannot understand my son’s lack of any ambition. I am hoping it developes into a good friendship.My son helping him to relax,he helping my son develop a goal or two.

My sixteen year old requested we go back to church-so we will. It will just be he and I. My husband works every Sunday. I am going to stay away from the evangelicals and go back to my roots. We will be trying a small Lutheran Church on Sunday.
My faith in God has not waivered. It is my faith in church goers that is at low ebb.
I think I am going to do a post about the overt hypocricy currently being shown my the American Church as a whole-but not today.
I still need prayer for a conversation I need to have with a family member. It will be this Wed. It is going to be beyond difficult for me to say the things that need to be said.
But,they must be said. Pray they are heard with the intent they are meant.

My sixteen year old may be spending the night with his brother and sister this Sunday. I am nervous about it. His sister “forgot”, as in swore the conversations never happened, our lunch and shopping date for her birthday yesterday. This does not give me warm fuzzies. I will drop my son off myself and if it feels wrong I will brave his anger and bring him back home. I prefer everything is fine and he can spend some time with his siblings. She is just hell bent to drag her brothers down to where she currently lives and it makes me uneasy. I wish I could trust her not to get her little brother drunk-or worse. But,on the other hand,she may not.
These are new waters for me to navigate.

The other day my husband and I were talking  about vocation vs earning money. He asked me what I would do if money were not an issue. My answer without hesitation was “Kids”.
Am I insane?
Well,enough blathering for one post.

As a reward for slogging through all the blather,I will leave you with my current favorite picture of my oldest granddaughter and her grandpa.
(for those who are determined “blood” matters,there is no genetic conection whatsoever)

image

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