too many thoughts in my head

Even though I haven’t been very good about blogging this past year,I still blog in my addled brain quite frequently. It is just that this past year has been somewhat horendous and many of those thoughts have been a bit contradictory and dark. Therefore,as hard as it is to believe,I have attempted to not share most of what my brain has churned about.
In my family we tend to handle most negative things by reminding ourselves it could have been worse. (this trait annoys my brother to no end). In fact the first thing out of my mouth is usually barely paraphrased words to that effect for every negative thing. I find out a couple of days before my son is to return home that he has been sodomising other boys with his foster father’s knowledge (and approval?); we could have found out after he was home by his sodomising his brother or a grandchild-it could have been worse. My husband has to face head on the callousness of his father and youngest brother to his dying mother suffering,their embarassing rudness to the staff that cared for her quite lovingly,their anger we had come to sit by her bedside,well it could have been worse. She could have died alone,in pain.
It is obvious that my granddaughter’s outcome was most definitely the best possible. What would have been worse was not catching the heart defect until the unimaginable had happened. 
That was just a three month period last year,the major crisis,not the many minor ones that continued through out the year,not the continuing fallout from one or two that still cause pain.
Still,it could have been worse.
Is it any wonder I have stuck my head in the social sands and been reluctant to re-enter “normal” life?
If you ask me how I am doing I will tell you “I’m fine”. If you react in horror or in sympathy to any of our “life events” I will be the first to assure you “It could have been worse.”
Optimistic(?) stoisism as a defense mechanism.
Can you tell I am running up against the annivercery of losing Youngest?
There are positive things happening in our lives nowadays as well.

My sixteen year old has a friend spending the night.
Yes,for the first time in his life my son has a buddy over.
I bought Dorritos and soda and baked some cookies and they stayed up late playing video and watching movies.
I hope there is a repeat. I like the boy. He is younger than my son,but he is highly motivated and intelligent and cannot understand my son’s lack of any ambition. I am hoping it developes into a good friendship.My son helping him to relax,he helping my son develop a goal or two.

My sixteen year old requested we go back to church-so we will. It will just be he and I. My husband works every Sunday. I am going to stay away from the evangelicals and go back to my roots. We will be trying a small Lutheran Church on Sunday.
My faith in God has not waivered. It is my faith in church goers that is at low ebb.
I think I am going to do a post about the overt hypocricy currently being shown my the American Church as a whole-but not today.
I still need prayer for a conversation I need to have with a family member. It will be this Wed. It is going to be beyond difficult for me to say the things that need to be said.
But,they must be said. Pray they are heard with the intent they are meant.

My sixteen year old may be spending the night with his brother and sister this Sunday. I am nervous about it. His sister “forgot”, as in swore the conversations never happened, our lunch and shopping date for her birthday yesterday. This does not give me warm fuzzies. I will drop my son off myself and if it feels wrong I will brave his anger and bring him back home. I prefer everything is fine and he can spend some time with his siblings. She is just hell bent to drag her brothers down to where she currently lives and it makes me uneasy. I wish I could trust her not to get her little brother drunk-or worse. But,on the other hand,she may not.
These are new waters for me to navigate.

The other day my husband and I were talking  about vocation vs earning money. He asked me what I would do if money were not an issue. My answer without hesitation was “Kids”.
Am I insane?
Well,enough blathering for one post.

As a reward for slogging through all the blather,I will leave you with my current favorite picture of my oldest granddaughter and her grandpa.
(for those who are determined “blood” matters,there is no genetic conection whatsoever)



About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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One Response to too many thoughts in my head

  1. Jeanne says:

    I too have a habit of thinking ‘it could have been worse.’ I read once when I was a child that it’s better to be a pessimist than an optimist because the pessimist is always prepared for the worst. But it feels more like “the coward dies a thousand deaths” to me. Because I don’t just think it could have been worse, I imagine the outcome if it had and then feel “happy” that it didn’t turn out that way. Which sounds like it ought to be great but in reality i spend way too much time dwelling on negative stuff.

    That is a beautiful grandbaby.

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