what could have been

On Saturday I had one of those moments that happen very infrequently when parenting hurt kids with issues. My sixteen year old is in the color guard for CAP. They are not all that organized,but they are trying to get more so. On Saturday they were to do color guard for the opening ceremonies for the Special Olympics track and field meet. ( my son initially told us it was a competition for all the local flights
color guards,and then it was to open for some “event or something”) (details are never all that clear with him).
Anyway…..
I was standing at the rail in the stands watching the parade of athletes when it hit me-and it hit me hard- if no one had worked with him,if he had never found a family,if he had no one to push him,spend years teaching and re-teaching him he would have been on the field. He would not have been in the color guard giving suport to those on the field.
I cried. Quietly. By myself. It dawned on me in a very profound way just how far my son has come since he came to us just shy of six years of age. (eleven years ago this month)
No,he is not like other nearly seventeen year old teens. He may never be fully independent. We may still be looking at mental illness.( I am very much afraid that we are;neurological problems have been ruled out) None of this has changed.
He is,however,so much more than we were told to expect him to be.
It is easy to forget when in the midst of all the problems just how much progress has been made.
I have been feeling a bit of a mommy failure this past year or so. Loosing youngest knocked me flat. Watching my fledgling adults take flight has been nerve wracking. Watching my sixteen year old loose cognative ability so hard fought for has been beyond difficult.
On Saturday I felt that perhaps,just perhaps, I have made a difference after all.
On Saturday my perspective on how I see my son’s issues changed.
On Saturday how I see my son changed.
I am once again able to find joy in who he is,instead of grieve for who he is not.
Joy has been ellusive up until now.
I am thankful to have found it again.
I am thankful for my son.