abandonment and being loved

My sixteen year old son has had a very rough week. Every abandonment trigger he has was hit. The kicker was when his sister told him she would pick him up Monday morning  and then decided she would only do so if he were allowed to spend the night (but he wasn’t to ask us. There was a plan involved.) By the time my sixteen year old fessed up (after I came unglued over his behavior about something else) it was midnight.
No,I did not let him go. She did not want to see him. She wanted to control a situation. I watched my son cry for over an hour once most of it out. He cried because he knew she did not care to spend real tiime with him. The next day he sped up the regression we had been seeing for over a week.. On Tuesday he told his dad he was a banana.
That sounds silly. What it did was scare us. You see the word banana is one of the three words he presrvered with when he was young. He would say it out of the blue. He would say it repeatedly. Banana was a word of many meanings. Banana,eyeballs and maulky-maulky.
I am thankful he has a good fit with his therapist. He seemed much,much better after his session.
We have been keeping him busy,reminding him to put on clean clothes,bathe,brush teeth,and use shampo. We have also drug him with us to go hiking and my husband had him help him with a project.
He is not ticking today and as far as I know he has gone twelve hours without lying to one of us over something stupid.
Progress.
One miraculous event to come out of this past week was my son was able to tell his therapist he lumped us in his brain with his birthparents and still thought we would leave him if we really knew what he thought and felt. He also was able to verbalize how abandoned he felt when his sister bailed on him. After all it was she who raised him until he was nearly six. He allowed his therapist to tell us these things and was able to say he wanted to trust us.
This is very big stuff.
His therapist actually told us thet our son does identify his emotions just fine. He simply has never trusted us enough to share any of them. I honestely did not know that. All these years I have been naming what ever emotion he seemed to be displaying at the time while he stared blankly at me. Ten years he has been home. Ten years.
At least he is beginning to trust us now.
Whoever said that children are resiliant knew nothing at all about children.
What children are is hurt,scared,scarred forever and ever. All the love and theraputic crappola will not change that. It may give them the tools to work around the hurt and pain. It may or it may not.
I now think that is the best any of us can do.
We can give the children a chance.
Unfortunately,sucess is not going to be a Rhode’s scholar saving humanity.
I now thing sucess will be if my children know we love them inspite of everything.Because of everything.
No matter what else,they have had love.
My youngest daughter can turn her back on our values. But you see,If we had not made her our daughter ten years ago,she would have no one to turn from. How do you rebel against no one?
Where does that leave me with youngest son whom I have not spoken to in nearly a year?
I don’t know.
I do know he knows we did in fact love him. Even if that was too much to handle. He will not go through his life never being loved.
Maybe that is what they should teach in adoption classes.
Your child may despise you.
He may try and kill you.
She may be promiscuoius and drink and drug.
He may not ever hold a job.
He may spend most of his life in prison.
Or,in my mind the absolute worst outcome, your children  may perpetuate the cycle of abuse and neglect and FASD.
That isn’t the point at all.
The point is they will have been loved.
If nothing else goes as planned-and it won’t.
They will have experienced love.
It will not reform their brains or undo their trauma.
It will not be enough.
But it just might have to be.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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