I have never pretended to do the whole teen to young adult transition well. It has always been my least favorite phase of parenting.  I now have two non-neuro-typical  young adults “launched.” This has been much,much harder than all the other children. With neuro-typical kids,even those who have withstood horrific trauma,you have the inner assurance  they can learn from their mistakes. They will figure things out.  Some of my kids had to renivent the wheel. for a bit. Some looked at  thise who went before them and made all new mistakes.   I think my middle son can learn from mistakes.  It is my youngest daughter I am very unsure of. There is a huge disconnect  in her brain between what she wants to be reality and what is reality. It will be interesting to see how the two of them balance things out between them.
In some ways it is freeing to watch from a distance. I am not the problem anymore.  In some ways it is horrifying . No parent wants to hear some of the things we have heard these past few months. Part of me wants to scoop up grown adults and protect them as if they were still children.  That cannot be done. I have done my part as best I could. I will be a backstop. I will be a consultant . I will love unconditionally.  I will tell the truth even when the truth is painful.
For better or for worse my active parenting days are over. They are adults. It is up to them now.
Adult children are the litmus test of our parenting. It should not be that way, but it is. Even children who we have only parented for the last half  of their childhood,who have been hurt,neglected,seen horrors,and /or been pickled in utero-none of which we are responsible for- are  considered reflections of us.
I know in my brain this is not true.
I know in my brain the whole free will plus damaged brains effects their choices independent of how we raised them.
But,you see,I want the last decade of sacrifice to equate their success. I want it to matter. Not in a  see-how-wonderful-I am kind of way,but in a I-actually-found-the-magic -fairy-dust-kind of way. I want to be a part of the solution. I do not want to be just one more problem.
Boy,that sounds arrogant  when I write it out,doesn’t it.
I don’t feel arrogant. Quite the opposite ,in fact.
Give me a tantruming toddler anyday over a fledgling adult. I can do toddlers,preschoolers,gradeschoolers and even early adolecents. It is the pre and post launch stage I flounder with – no matter which child is doing the launching.
It is ironic that I have the most propblem with them becoming independent of me when my whole parening philosophy is to work myself out of a job.
Transitions are always hard.

About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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