Every time I manage to “let go and let God” I find out something new and terrifying. What is beginning to depress me even more than the slowmoving trainwreck she is making out of her life,is that her brothers know and do not think it important to tell us. Not little things,but major things. An across country move with the woman who’s gagage she is living in. A move that does not include the husband,father of the child of the woman. A move we found out about in such a round about fashion it is a miricle we know about it at  all. Other lies continue. The stupid,nonsensical lying of childhood has continued. I am terified she is going to fall off the face of the Earth. Or even worse,she will end up dead and we will never know.
I am not being melodramatic.
Now I get to watch my twenty year old sit on the fence. How far down will he follow his sister? He has so much potential.
My sixteen year old told me today that “half of me wants to do drugs. That is what we saw. It looked fun.”
He was four when they were removed for the last time and he remembers drugs being fun.
He also told me that instead of watching cartoons like other kids,they watched their parents (and others?) having sex.
This is my non-verbal son telling me this. He is scared for his brother and his sister and himself.
I was told (when I asked) that yes We (the adults) have missed something pretty big over the years. I watched him do battle withhimself,silently crying,but unable to tell me what it was we missed. I am afraid I know. I pray I am wrong. Dear Lord please let me be wrong.
I  want to throw up.

My husband and I have thrown out the idea of fostering babies. That would mean dealing with CPS again. That would mean PRIDE classes again. That would mean having our hearts ripped  apart again.
But we would hold crying babies-not put them in the master bathroom to muffle their screams when they detox.
But would it matter?
Has it mattered so far?

It is very easy to say the words “Lord,  Your will be done” It is much harder in reality.
So much harder.


About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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2 Responses to Despair

  1. Deanna says:

    I have just finished reading through your blog (it took me a couple of weeks. HaHa). I didn’t read the comments, so maybe someone has suggested this already. Have you thought of writing a book about all of this? What an amazing, difficult journey. Your entry of Oct. 25, 2008 was so beautifully written that I shared it with others. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

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