fallout and hurt feelings-mine

I really,really,really need to get a grip on my expectations for this set of kids. I keep wanting a relationship with them. Perhaps a bit of conversations. Perhaps even an acknowledgment that I do in fact exist. They are in full blown “Us vs Them” and I having a difficult time not taking it personally. All the rhetoric in the world about emotional age vs chronological age is not helping a bit. Please don’t tell me it could be worse. I am well aware it could be worse. I’ve lived worse,remember?
It is all the sneaking around and the silence when I walk into the room they are in that is wearing me down. The older two think they now best for their little brother and will encourage him to do things he is not yet allowed to do and then cover for him. Nothing like drugs or alcohol. It is video games and movies they are deliberately encouraging him in. There are two problems with this son and electronics. The first is he tends to have absolutely no other interests. The second is he has a much harder time cognitively if he has had any video stimulation in the past twenty-four hours. He has always been this way. His older siblings know this and still help him sneak.
The sad thing is they are none of them very good at sneaking. I can hear them laughing at movies. I see them try and hide the Netflix as it comes in. I also know that the minute my foot hits the stairs they shut down the computer and look like a six year old with chocolate on her face denying taking the cookie.
Fact: The laptop in question is jointly owned by my now grown children.
Fact: when I conversationally point out that I know what they are doing and remind them they are hurting their brother they will become angry with me.
Fact: When they are angry with me they will literally act as if I do not exist.They will do this while eating a meal that I prepared.
Fact: Knowing how much such behavior hurts my feelings does not matter to them. They do not care. I am like the teacher in elementary school who has no home or life of her own. (remember being shocked seeing your third grade teacher in public like a real person?)
Fact: Attachment in older child adoption is fluid and it does not take much perceived abandonment to bring everyone back to square one. FAS/ARND doesn’t help with logical thought. Me leaving for three days is an abandonment. It does not matter why I am gone. It does not matter that I always come back. I left. Encouraging independence in adult children is also a perceived abandonment.
Since I have abandoned them,I cannot be trusted. Since I cannot be trusted,they must depend on each other. The fact they are depending on each other while living in a home they do not pay for,eating food purchased and prepared by others,wearing clothing they did not buy, being driven in cars they do not maintain,nor pay for does not enter in. Neither does the fact two of them are above the age of majority.
I have abandoned them.
It is as good of an excuse as any.
This is beyond getting old.
One more day of illicit game play and my fifteen year old will find himself bound to my side for a week or two. If he insists on acting like a young child,he will be parented that way.
I. Have. Had. Enough.

About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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