I have spent the past three days with my eldest who is officially on bed rest. I could have borrowed a lap top and used actual high speed internet while I was there;but I didn’t. I’m not sure why. I think part of it is I am in a slump and honestly did not want to write about it. I feel a bit like my kids. I’ve hit a wall.
I am going insane staying home right now. I really,really,really want to go back out into the real world-the one not populated with hidden (and not so hidden) neurological deficits. I want to talk to adults again;you know,on a daily basis. I want to feel like I am being productive. I want to feel needed.I want to feel “normal”.
And yes, I do see the underlying theme of I want . It may not be selfless,but it is how I am feeling.
The simple fact is this: My children have not in any way,shape,or form outgrown their issues.
I still have fallout whenever their routine is changed.
I still have things broken whenever I have grandchildren over,or I need to be gone for any length of time. Perhaps accidentally.Perhaps not.
While attached,they are not completely attached. They are still unusually bonded together as one three headed entity. It is not healthy,but it is understandable. My son told his sister she needed to move out so they (he and his brother) could live with her. He said it At the dinner table. He was only half joking. A breaker tripped and instead of calling either their father or me,they sat in one room all afternoon in one hundred degree pluses heat. When I asked why My daughter told me haughtily she had fixed the breaker but it wouldn’t fix. Her dad quietly reminded her he came home and did fix the problem. We still cannot figure out why half the house was without power. It has been over one hundred degrees for months and we haven’t had a problem.
These are the reasons it is hard for me to be gone. I do leave when I am needed elsewhere . Their dad and I do still get out alone for a bit here and there. It is just we do so knowing there very well could be something broken,peed on or other slightly hidden consequences. It is better than it used to be. I no longer need a babysitter. This is good since two of my “children” are over the age of eighteen.
My youngest son seems to be stabilized in a home that is not mine. He is being raised in a way I would not choose to have him raised. I could not do anything but irritate others when it took them two weeks to get him into school. I heard excuses I knew were not valid and could do nothing to change things. For two weeks my son who is academically behind (but very bright) watched day time TV and played video games.
I need to find an outlet for myself. The kids at home are hiding from me in there rooms. Not because I yell,or am all that unhappy with them. They have reentered the phase of “us against the world” which does not include acknowledging they are dependent on us for their day to day lives. Since they are not really desiring independence,they deal with the annoying fact they are living in my house eating food that I prepare by pretending I do not exist.
Do not try and get your own mind around their thought processes. Yes, they are upset if I am gone . Yes, they are upset if my attention is on their nephews or their nice. Yes,they are jealous if the grown kids need me for anything. Yes, they are refusing to become independent.
Still,they are refusing my existence a good portion of the time.
This will pass.
At least it is quiet.
In the mean time,I need to find a way to remain sane in a home where if I want conversation,I talk to myself.