How do we do this?

How can I explain still loving a child who has only lived in my home for eight months in three years and has often wanted to kill me? How can I explain that a large part of me wants to bring him home,history be damned? Maybe I am simply not jaded enough. Maybe we have had too many of our children beat the odds-so why can’t Youngest? Maybe I still think I can will him better,give him my strength,my hope,my love. Maybe part of me still thinks love is enough.
I am the mom who still looks for fairy dust after all.
I do not want my son to return to the system.I do not want him in a foster or worse,a group home. I do not want his last few years of growing up to be among those who could care less about him.
I also do not want to live with the insanity we have always had when he is home.I do not want to live in fear.I do not want my other teens to be afraid for my safety. I do not want to stop having my grandchildren overnight.
Does it matter that my son wants to come home for the first time in nearly three years. Does it matter that he tells me he will go to a foster home but he wants to be with us. (he misses the animals and my cooking. He did not mention missing any humans). He sounded defeated. He sounded resigned to his fate. He sounded tired.
What do I tell my son?
He does not know they (CPS) are talking to us about us relinquishing.
My husband thinks we have time.
I know these next few weeks are not enough time.
I can remember when my most challenging parenting decision was when to wean the baby.
How do we do this?
Please pray for us.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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2 Responses to How do we do this?

  1. Natalie says:

    I’m sorry, Lindy. I’ll pray.

  2. Jeanne says:

    Praying, praying, praying.

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