On this Mother’s Day I am going to write about me.
How selfish is that.
Somehow over the past few years I have lost myself. It has happened gradually, but the realization has been rather sudden. All of my energies have gone into surviving one crisis or another,or simply into trying to parent traumatized children. We have moved so many times,I feel as if we should live in a tent and just put nice rugs on the floor (serving sheep eyes to unsuspecting visitors).
I can remember vaguely who I was,I just cannot figure out who I am now.
There are days when, with the exception of monosyllabic replies,mine is the only voice I hear. Some days I spout total nonsense just trying to get a smile in response. It is almost like being the parent of very young children.I am forgetting how to converse with adults. My brain has turned into Jello.
Or, it could simply be early senility.
My youngest child is fourteen. In four years all of my children will be legally grown.
They may all still be home,but am I really supposed to still be parenting them as if they were twelve or younger when they are in their twenties? Their thirties? When will I be able to leave my own home without fallout? Should I even let the fallout worry me anymore?
Am I using their neurological deficits become an excuse for not moving forward myself?
Middle aged angst is not a pretty thing.
Seriously though, I have no idea who I am anymore. My place in the world outside our home is non existent.
It didn’t used to be this way. Until the last four came home, I had friends and work. I volunteered my time. I was not a social butterfly,but we did entertain. Other people’s children called me mom. There was always a stray kid or two in our house or yard.
My brain worked.
Now I am drowning in silence.
I suppose it is better than being drown in fits of rage-but still…
How do I re-engage in the world outside my own four walls?
How do I find the person still lurking in the gray matter in my skull?
It seems daunting to me today. Tomorrow I may feel a bit stronger. Today I am feeling rather lonely.
Mother’s Day sucks.