blindsided yet again

Family therapy day was yesterday. This was with yet another therapist. He has been my son’s individual therapist since fall,but this is the first time we have done family therapy with him. Nearly the first thing out of his mouth was we need to start weekend visits home.
It seems that for the last couple of weeks Youngest has been making progress. At Christmas he was graphically describing how he was going to decapitate a fellow camper and after three weeks of better behavior he is ready to go home. “Expect some regression.”
We aren’t supposed to Youngest -proof the house. He needs to be able to live in a normal household. We shouldn’t have to lock up the knives and lock our bedroom doors at night.After all, he hasn’t been impulsive when angry for almost three weeks now. The fact they have a lot of large staff and I just have me most of the time doesn’t matter.
I told Mr Therapist Man that I was unwilling to have Youngest home unless his dad was also home. This means a Thursday into Friday visit,not a Friday into Saturday visit. I explained that we now have a police response time of over fifteen minutes and we are down to one vehicle. I am no longer able to restrain youngest when he is “in a mood”. Until we are sure he is safe,he can only be home when there are two adults with him.
This would mean missing school. This was not liked by Mr. Therapist Man. We cannot miss school. Missing school is not to be done. At least not yet.
My husband and I asked Youngest why he has had the change in heart. We are legitimately hopeful his current control of his anger will become long lasting.A few weeks is not long lasting. It seems he wanted to level up so he could have passes to the real world. He wants those passes because “The kids that do come back with cool stuff”. It was explained to him that we do not have extra money for a lot of “cool stuff”. In fact,our finances have taken a turn in the opposite direction. If he comes home,I cannot work to help reverse that trend. If he is just wanting to come home for stuff he might want to rethink his strategy. However,if he wants to be with people who are invested in him and love him no matter what,home is the right place for that.
I asked him if he still wanted to kill me. “Son,at one point eighty percent of you wanted me dead and the other twenty was afraid you would succeed. Is that about right?”
“Yeah” he told me matter-of-factly, “Thats about right.”
“How much of you still wants to kill me?”
It took him a long time to answer.
A very long time.
He tried to answer other things that did not pertain to killing me.
He could not make eye contact for even a second.
Eventually, when the question did not go away,he had what looked to be a conference call with himself. His eyes darted around in his head and his lips moved silently.
Finally he said “five”.
Five percent? Fifty percent?
“Five” he repeated. Five of him still wants to kill me. For no real reason. He was not angry. He wants to come home. Part of him wants to kill me.
He then snuggled up into my lap for me to hold him;like a little boy. I stroked his hair and rubbed his shoulders and back.
Mr Therapist Man (who does not believe in DID) interpreted the five as fifty percent of him wants me underground.My husband and I think that the consensus of people living in his head is five still want to kill me. Perhaps I would have felt better if I asked him how much of him doesn’t want me dead.
Mr Therapist Man decided that perhaps a long transition might be a better plan. If he must leave their facility,perhaps a less restrictive RTC would be a better solution. In the end it is up to CPS and the shrinking budget. He went on to tell youngest it wouldn’t hurt for him to suffer the disappointment of having to stay longer than the six weeks he was anticipating.
Six weeks!?????
They told my son he would be home in six weeks?????
Were they planning on telling us?
We took him off campus to Sonic and bought him lunch. We bought him some hygiene things and a candy bar and brought him back. That is as cool as it is going to get.
I e-mailed Youngest son’s worker and gave her an update. I reminded her that we were told that if he comes home and hurts someone her department said we would be facing criminal charges.
Court is the end of February. Budgets are being gutted. I have no idea what that means in this case.
If he has truely turned a corner, he needs time to continue to heal enough that none of him wants to kill me (or anyone else). If he is gaming the system we need time for that to come out as well. What we do not want is him coming home in six weeks. We also do not want CPS taking permanent conservatorship and putting him in a foster home with other children. What we want,what common sense dictates is best for the child,is not usually considered when the state makes these decisions.
My stomach is in knots.
My first and foremost emotional reaction to yesterday is fear.I have not lost hope-not completely.I am however, very much afraid of my son. A couple two,three weeks of containing himself on a locked unit does not make me any less afraid. How am I supposed to do this?


About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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2 Responses to blindsided yet again

  1. Pam C says:

    I’m so sorry.

    You describe it so well, you understand it so well . . . but I wonder what unemployment line they’re recruiting these therapists from. The Barney Fife “will work for food” line?

    Prayers continue, for safety and peace for you.

  2. Jeanne says:

    Barney had more sense than that.

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