learning,understanding

I hate being at the beginning of a learning curve. Our experiment in becoming more self sustaining means learning new skills. I have a three part way of learning new things. I read everything I can get my hands on. I jump in with both feet. I make mistakes. The proccess is repeated until the mistakes become minimal. This can take weeks,months,years,or a lifetime. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we have a finite amount of resources to begin this new to us lifestyle with. We need to be a bit more methodical about things.We have tons of plans and not tons of cash. So for the next few weeks we will try and come up with a rough plan of projects for spring. Around here spring can come anytime from February onwards, although I have a feeling it will come late this year. Late is tax day,not memorial day. This is the first time in a very long time that adding more children is not in our plans. I am still unsettled about this.
I do not buy the whole “you have done your part;start thinking about your own future” line of thought. It is true to an extent.We have put little to no thought into retirement. We have put most of our resources into our kids. Part of the reason we are making the changes we are making is to be able to live on much less monetarily than we have been accustomed. We also want to have enough in reserve to help others-mainly kids. It is a tough balance,made tougher by an uncertain economy with constantly changing rules.
My heart still longs for more children. It is going to have to settle for chickens.
At least for now.
I would love to report that God and I are tight,that I can see His plans laid out before me. While my faith is strong,my vision and hearing seem to be weak to non-existent. I feel like the scene in the third Indiana Jones movie where he walks out onto the invisible bridge. I will take that leap of faith,but I have no idea where the path is leading. Some days I am excited by the path we are starting on. Some days I am certain we are barking mad. Of course this is how I feel whenever God leads my down the less traveled path.
I envy those who appear to have a direct line to the Almighty.Our line seems to be filled with static-at our end at least. We go forward; trusting God will prevent us from getting lost in the wilderness of our own doubts and missteps.
In this way I understand my youngest son. He cannot trust us at all. He believes that if he were to fall,we would allow him to fall forever. He cannot believe we would catch him before he fell too far. He cannot believe that anyone would want to catch him. Because of his fear, he hangs on to his dysfunction with every ounce of strength he can muster. Understanding him does not make me able to help him. I wish I could see that all is not for naught with him. I wish I could see a few decades down the road.
Or perhaps not.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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