As I am sure is obvious,I’ve been battling a bit of depression and angst. When there are parts of my life I cannot control,I try and control every blasted thing I can. It does not make for a peaceful house. Resting in the Lord works well for me-as long as it is a very short rest,and it is primarily while I am asleep. Other than that, it is almost painful. If I know that xyz will happen on lmnop I can patiently wait. But, if I know xyz is coming,and there is no set delivery date,it makes me beyond anxious.
Right now there are quite a few things that we have set in motion,that we cannot control. At all. Youngest is the biggest of these. Home and money is the other.
Always my husband and I have had a vision for our future. We raise kids. Hurt kids. The kids no one else wants. It does not make us feel better about ourselves. On the contrary, we have become pretty isolated and much poorer. It is what we do. It is who we are. Some people are musicians. If music were to leave their life they would feel bereft. It is the same with us and children.
At this point in time, we are without a clear vision. We know we will move at the end of the month. Other than that,we haven’t a clue. We have our mini-permaculture dream which we should be able to begin to implement once we move. But, that is all we see. It does not seem like enough.
Youngest has knocked the wind out of us in more ways than one. Now we wait. We wait to see if he decides to give us a real chance. We wait to see if CPS will take permanent custody. We feel sucker punched,and betrayed. It is how the system works. It could be much,much worse. It does make us unwilling to put ourselves out there again;to adopt once more.
That,I think is what hurts the most. This is where we feel defeated. This is where our vision fades.
What do we do now?
Wait, it seems.
Rest. Play it through. One foot in front of the other. Be patient. For just a bit, stop striving.
Years ago, when my oldest were seven and five, they were playing together. I remember listening into their game. It was about knights,and princesses and dragons and enemies of all sorts.
I overheard my son say, “I must avenge my father’s death.”
My daughter responded with, “No,my prince. You must rest. You have done all you can do.”
Her brother responded, “No,I cannot rest until I defeat the evil king.”
His sister cautioned, ” You must rest. You have done enough….”
I have no idea how the game resolved. About that time their little sister decided she was a cat and I needed to pet her.
That game has stayed with me for over twenty years now.
I need to rest,and like my then five year old dramatic son,I do not know how. There is still so much evil in the world;so many hurt children who need homes.
But,I am tired.
Honestly,I am doing better. We have a tentative move in date.We are renting a POD instead of a truck this time. It will give us plenty of time to load and unload. Which is good, as my husband starts his holiday schedule which will be ugly.This way the kids and I can load (and unload) most everything and my husband and son can load(and unload) the very heavy things as he is able after work. I will cook our Thanksgiving the week after and combine it with my daughter’s birthday. Having these types of details worked out makes it easier for me to deal with the bigger issues.
We will muddle through. We always have.
My middle daughter’s oldest son is three and a half and is and has always been a very high maintenance child. He is always moving,climbing,dismantling, and chattering. She has bruises on her legs where he tends to run into her on a daily basis. She also has a baby and the four of them live in a very tiny apartment.
Last week my daughter had all she could take of her overly energetic son and told him to play in his room.
“NO!” he told her.
“I am your mom and you cannot tell your mom “no””
“You are not my mom!” he responded emphatically.” You are my mommy and my best friend!”
Needles to say,he did not go to his room. He sat on his mommy’s lap and cuddled.