emotional hangover

I am just going through the motions today. I talked to the folks at post adopt,they will send an advocate from now on to court with families as SOP. They offered to go with us yesterday,but everyone had been so kind we didn’t think it was necessary.
We were wrong.
We should have our copy of the court order by Friday. We will pay and have a lawyer read it over and tell us if it is saying what we think it is saying. If it is,we will have to find money from somewhere and have representation from now on. To be honest, I want to wait until next week to talk to an attorney, because I simply am overloaded. I desperately need some time to get my feet back under me. One week shouldn’t make that much difference.(at least I hope not) I would think it would be better if my husband and I can get beyond emotion before we talk to an attorney. In most cases, I am very rational. I am good in an emergency. I don’t get easily rattled.
This is not most cases and I am most certainly rattled.
At least I am not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat today.
I did all my crying earlier this morning before the kids woke up.
I know there are some who do not understand our devastation. We are devastated. It matters not that we knew this day was coming.It hurts just as deep.
We have been fighting to parent youngest since before he came home. One of us has been to every blasted appointment,every court date, and every therapy session;every single one. We have talked to anyone and everyone to try and obtain the best help available. We have remodeled our home,locked our knives and alarmed our doors. We have copays and deductibles and child support and now we forfeit the stipend in lieu of child support ( which is the same thing except they didn’t even leave us a gasoline allowance for the weekly drive for family therapy.) We have sacrificed everything but our safety to be youngest son’s parents. He has our name. He has our love. None of it has been enough.
Now the state magnanimously steps in to pay for the care he needs. The state who caused a portion of his problems is now going to save him. They are going to ride in on their white horse,wearing a white hat and swoop down to save him.
We who have given our son everything we have to give, are being relegated to the sidelines to watch the state “fix” what they helped to break. Of course we are devastated. It has been hard enough to attempt to parent a fragmented, institutionalized child. Now,it will be even harder. We are parents in name only. Just how do we do that?
I am very,very tired. If I could, I would curl up in a little ball and sleep for a week.
Instead, I will limp through my day with an emotional hangover and hope the kids don’t notice just how fragile I feel.
Tomorrow will be better.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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2 Responses to emotional hangover

  1. Mama T says:

    I have followed along on the Sonlight forums and your blog. I’ve been praying since I first learned about the situation a while back before everything changed…Now I know why I woke up with you heavily on my mind to pray in the middle of the night. Cyber hugs to you and your family. I wish I could offer some IRL concrete help….All I can do is pray. And that I am gladly doing for you.

  2. Jeanne Holt says:

    Of course your hearts are shattered. If you didn’t love him so much, you would not have moved mountains to try to help him, and you wouldn’t be devastated now. But you do, you have, and you are.

    Praying daily for you all.

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