resignation and cost

We have a court date for giving (or their taking) CPS Temporary Joint Conservatory of our son. I cried yesterday when the date was set. I do not know if it is grief for what has been lost,or what will be lost. I understand that he is not safe to have home. I understand it is nothing we have or haven’t done that has made him this way. I understand we have done all we know to do,and then some. I understand the “professionals”,the “experts” haven’t a clue how to reach him. I understand that it is now up to my son to want to heal. We cannot heal him. He has to want it bad enough to do the work.
We did not break him. And he is broken; fractured into little pieces of the boy he was created to be.
We cannot fix him.
To give him his last chance,we have to partially give him up. Not to God in the spiritual sense(which we have done),but to the state in the practical sense.
God I trust implicitly.
The state I trust not at all.
I talked to this son’s therapist yesterday about his visit home. I told of his furtively packing his prized possessions and bringing them back to the RTC. He agreed it was fifty-fifty as to whether he was moving out,or wanted reminders of home. My son is straddling the fence. One leg on the side of healing and one on the continued descent into depravity. It cannot be a comfortable position to be in. All we can do is offer our hand,our support,our love. We can show him there is a different way to see and live life. We can show him hope. What we cannot do is choose for him. What seems obvious to us,is terrifying to him. What would terrify us,is familiar to him and therefore a comfort.
In the meantime his bills are piling up. Our share is already more than what my husband makes in a month and will increase. This is with funding. After this month our income goes down by one third. We are underwater on our house,we can either sell or lease it out at a loss. It will be spring before I can return to school. By spring the older two at home should (I am praying) have finished high school which leaves only my fourteen year old to teach. This is the son who still freaks out if I am gone for more than an hour or two. This is the son who is not independent in his work. This is the son who would drown in a public school setting. Maybe by spring youngest could be home? Maybe next fall? Maybe never. Too many unknowns yet.
We have found a house that would meet our needs and be easily affordable(as in we would have a margin again) It is smaller and older and needs some help.But, it has three quarters of an acre and a water well and room for a garden and chickens.It is sound. It was built in 1920. It is a bungalow (slightly bungled,but still a bungalow).
We just don’t know how to get there from here.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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One Response to resignation and cost

  1. Lisa says:

    praying for you today.

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