almost pulled the post below and other ramblings that have been cluttering up my brain

I almost pulled the post below,but I decided to let it stay. It is a fact of life when raising teens with ARND. It goes with the disconnect in their brains. It just does. It also highlights something that we knew intellectually was a possibility,but never quite imagined how it would play out in real life. How do you,and should you, launch and “adult” ARND/FAS child into independence. It is easier with our fourteen year old. He isn’t as high functioning as his older siblings. We have pretty much known since he was six that he would be with us well into adulthood. It is his siblings we are unsure about. They do well at work. They are helpful (most of the time) at home. My daughter especially wants to have the perks of adulthood. She also does not/cannot seem to want to handle adult responsibility. Her brother seems to have more executive function (on the surface). At least he seems to be able to decline doing things that could get him into trouble. He has no ambition whatsoever to become independent,however. There is the rub. How much do we push? When do we expect them to pay a little rent? Learn to drive? Move out on their own? Do we continue to parent them their emotional/cognitive age? Do we start to treat them as adults? If we encourage independence too early will we be responsible for their poor choices (knowing my daughter at least cannot always make good ones? If we continue the way we are currently and do not push,are we enabling them to remain dependent and sabotaging their independence?
I have spent the last four years deliberately trying to teach my teens about money,budgeting and paying taxes and all the other details of adult life. All three still have no idea how money works,or what it costs to live on their own. We speak openly about our budget (or lack there of). They just do not get it.
As my husband and myself make decisions about downsizing our budget, me going back to school or work,moving to a smaller,less expensive home, do we continue to make their wants paramount? Is it time to do what is best for mom and dad and simply offer the “adult” children a place to live? should we make sure three adult children have room to live comfortably with us since they may not become independent? Do we find a smaller home and figure that if they feel claustrophobic they are welcome to move on? Do we feel guilty if they are unhappy with our change in budget?
We are already trying to figure out what to do with youngest. Just because he is currently in a RTC,does not mean he will spend the next four years there. One of us must be able to drop everything and be home twenty-four-seven when our son returns. I cannot pass an online class,let alone attend one on campus if my eyeballs are always glued to my curly haired appendage. I have enough trouble getting supper on the table when he is home.
Do we factor in the possibility of raising grandchildren as well?
Will we ever have an empty nest?
What would we do with it if we did?
Do all adoptive parents have this angst?

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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2 Responses to almost pulled the post below and other ramblings that have been cluttering up my brain

  1. Jeanne Holt says:

    And yet the consequences of drinking while pregnant are virtually unpublicized outside of the adoption community. Seriously— there are finally warnings posted in places that sell alcohol about vague “effects” on unborn babies, and I have heard occasional tv psa’s with the same unexplained “don’t drink while pregnant” message, but I have never, ever heard anyone go into actual detail of the devastating lifelong damage that is caused, other than in the context of adoption. The only reason I can think of for the omission is that someone might think that FAS/FAE might become as ubiquitous a criminal defense as the insanity plea. (No doubt it would be a more legitimate one.)

    Thank you for loving these children. Thank you for teaching them, for committing to them and testing the limits of the very concept of patience. I pray for your strength and their growth.

  2. peggysue says:

    I just read a few of your blog posts. I am sorry. My daughter has RAD. she is eight. We adopted her at age 3. So many people don’t see it and think we are ‘too strict’ with our parenting . . . that part about your daughter and boys . . . that is one of my fears for my daughter as she will and has done anything to get attention and is boy crazy already, has been since age five and maybe earlier but we had trouble with verbal communication. I see signs of progress . . . .I am hopeful we can achieve healing as I
    don’t think it is overly severe with her, but I do worry . . . and I will pray for you.

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