I am down but not defeated

When my son’s PO told me her hirer ups were telling her to call CPS on us to open an investigation I could not believe it. She did not do it. I told her in no uncertain terms it would destroy our family. She was almost embarrassed. Almost.
The psychiatrist speaks very poor English and is starting my son on a med that has the side effect of increased aggression. He does not believe in DID. My son now has the diagnosis of something I could not understand with psychosis. My son is not psychotic. But he hears voices so he must be. I did not argue. It would do no good.
I spent the day with a couple of grown daughters and played with grandkids. It helped.I returned home to an e-mail I might or might not share tomorrow. It felt like blackmail. We are supposed to dissolve our adoption. I suppose it would make the world neater. Everyone can pretend Youngest does not exist. Except he does. I have responded to said email. My husband wants to wait until the morning to send it. If I send it I will post it sans identifying details.
I feel,my husband feels very much under attack. I am waking with panic attacks and I have never had panic attacks before. The kids are shell shocked. We are shell shocked. I never occurred to us we could be reported to CPS by the county for trying o get them to order residential care. You see if we bring our son home we are endangering our other kids. If we refuse to bring him home we are abandoning him. We are unable to care safely for him. We are negligent. Damned if we do. Damned if we don’t.
Except we are not.
My oldest daughter told us that if the worst happens they will take the kids so CPS cannot put them in foster care. It would destroy my fourteen year old to be removed. It would destroy all of them. They are not able to handle an investigation. Can you imagine what they would have to relive?
I am so angry right now. I am so grieved right now.
How dare they threaten us!
Is there anyone but us that cares that youngest may kill someday if he isn’t helped?
In the morning we will begin another round of phone calls and emails. If we need to be legally represented we take out a loan to do so. I am not going to throw my son away because he is sick. He may not be able to live here. That does not make him less my son. Even if youngest could care less,the other children are watching us. What does that say to them about our commitment to them if we throw one son back because he isn’t healthy? What does that say about our integrity. What does that say about our faith?
We do not know what to do. We haven’t a clue. Not one idea.
We will not give up though. We fought for this son before he came home. We will continue to fight for him now.
It is kind of what we do.


About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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4 Responses to I am down but not defeated

  1. Kris P says:

    still praying here. I have some knowledge of the foster care system (since my dd was taken (and returned) a few years ago). Please e-mail me if you have a question that I may be able to answer. (I used to be on Sonlight and have followed your story for years)

    Kris P.

  2. hnracademy says:

    Oh (((Lindy))),
    Still praying here,

  3. Jeanne Holt says:

    God, please intervene here. You placed these helpless children in this family where they could be loved and healed. You know the help that is needed and you know every person on the planet that could possibly provide this help. Please do not bring more suffering to this family. Please. In the name of Jesus who cast out demons and lived on this planet and knows fear and pain and hurt, please heal their dear son and give this family a reason to hope. Shower them with your love and fill them with your Spirit.

  4. Amy says:

    Love you.


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