this is simply hard

Youngest has been,to put it nicely, a butt for the past three days running. He has been upping the ante. He is playing the “I’ll be fine when dad is in the room and cuss you when he isn’t game”. We have seen the doing work wrong on purpose and then pitching fits when corrections are needed. In other words we have a full blown RAD attack with Youngest’s own individual twist.
I was handling the RAD part just fine until last night. He had had a melodramatic fit and blocked himself in his room so I couldn’t tuck him in. I waited an hour and went up to talk to him. He was calm by that point and talk we did. We talked about a lot of things including what parts of him wanted to be here and what parts didn’t. We talked about his past a bit. We talked about how if his body broke something it didn’t matter if the part I was currently talking to remembered or not. I was still going to watch him that much more closely. It also seems that parts of him still want to kill others. How he handles that is when they want to take over he rearranges his stuffed animals,or punches his bed (his words). He might have been talking about the weather instead of murderous impulses. It was the calmness that creeped me out the most. After he told me about still wanting to kill people,he cuddled next to me so I could read him his story (Hank The Cow Dog).
If he was angry when he talked about wanting to kill,it wouldn’t have been so bad. If he seemed to be alarmed by the feeling,it wouldn’t have been so bad. It was the matter-of-fact way he talked about it. It was kind of like ” I don’t like the color blue and I rearrange my stuffed animals when part of me wants to kill people.”
Every morning he has rearranged his room;including his stuffed animals This evening he pointed it out to me specifically- in case I hadn’t noticed.
We told his PO today. We told her about our inability to find a competent therapist who will take him. We told her about his continuing homicidal thoughts and deteriorating behavior.
My son told her that he keeps giving us hints and telling us he wants to be in his room-all the time-twenty-four-seven. It is because we make him be in the living room he is so angry.It is our fault,you see. He admitted to her with a smile he has been a butt. He was talking about how it would be a good thing if he was locked in his room and I could put his meals through a hatch in the door. Both the PO and I were trying to walk his through the fact it would not be a good thing. He needed skills to live. What would he do when he was eighteen if he had never left his room? He went from calm to coming of the couch towards me angry in a tenth of a second; telling me he was going to return to his birth city. Then he shut himself off a minute later. Completely off. His eyes rolled back and he acted as if he was asleep. His PO was a bit unnerved.
She is going to see if she can find help.
I simply cannot tell from one minute to the next how he will respond. I watch his eyes and his body language for clues. Sometimes I miss them.Sometimes he switches so fast, there is no way to deescalate-or even know what set him off.

We have also called our lawyer to see if there is anyway to force the state to help us pay for residential. Not the three month maximum they offer when and if he comes off the wait list. Not at a facility of their choice. Maybe not even in our state if there is one better elsewhere. They have never given us his full file. They knew he had hominid ideations and did not tell us. They should have to help us preserve this placement and they should have to help us get him the help he needs so as not to kill someday.
We are not holding our breath.
I am tired,but cannot sleep. I am making myself eat. My stomach is in knots. We have no respite.
We need help.
We aren’t getting it.
We are doing our best.
It isn’t enough.
We will do this until we can’t.
What else can we do?


About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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2 Responses to this is simply hard

  1. Jeanne Holt says:

    Very scary. Glad he has some measure of self control and a way to not act on his impulses… seems like that indicates a desire to protect you, maybe?

    I know you are doing your best… it may not be enough, but the part of your boy that cuddles and cries and determinedly rearranges those animals surely appreciates it. It’s the most and probably only love he’s ever known. It may not be enough, but it is huge.

    Praying, praying, praying that God will take your love and your strength and your instincts and multiply them to meet your impossible challenges. Praying that help will come. Soon. Praying that your boy will be healed and your family will be safe.

  2. Pam Cadd says:

    Lindy – Praying with you for the help you need. You write so poignantly and wisely – it’s obvious that you love this boy with your whole heart. But it keeps coming to me that for him to resolve his problems while coping with life in a family would be like trying to solve an algebra problem with too many variables. It seems to me that he must be in a safe, protected and extremely structured place while he receives intensive therapy to help him integrate his alters. Will continue to pray with you for help (and safety for you and your family!) while following your blog for updates. Bless you –

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