“So,” I ask “are you wanting to be here?”
“Yeah,I think so” my son replies.
“What’s different this time?” I ask.
“It’s my last chance.” he responds.
“So…do you want to be here because you might want a family,or you just don’t want to end up in prison?”
“That’s a tough one,” He tells me.” I’m not sure”
“Well that was honest anyway” I tell him. Inside my brain I think how sad it is that the only perk to family is not being in prison to this son. I tell him as much,leaving out the word sad. “What’s so scary about being in a good family that prison is only slightly worse?” I ask.
“Being abandoned” He tells me.”Again.” He adds.
“Do you still want to kill me?” I ask my son a few minutes later. I ask in the same tone I would ask the flavor of ice cream he wanted.
“No” He tells me smiling sheepishly.
“When did that change?” I ask casually.
“When I came back” He responds.
“It’s a new feeling,then”
“Yeah, pretty new”
“It’s going to be hard,you know. It isn’t going to be easy”
“I still get mad”
“I know, it will take time”
More was talked about. He spoke like he was 13 for a while. He spoke like he was an adult (or rather what a 13 yr old thinks an adult would say) for a while. He spoke gangster briefly.
I asked him what was up with him trying to get brother alone. I told him that it made me nervous when an adult comes out to check on them and he is mad and his brother has his facial tick going. His response was interesting. He did not deny trying to get his brother alone. He did tell me his brother wasn’t upset, because he didn’t think he was. I told him I have known his brother for a very long time And I know how he looks when he is upset. I also told him I knew him and knew his mad face when I saw it. He didn’t deny being mad when interrupted. He didn’t deny trying to get his brother alone out of eye shot.He only argued that his brother wasn’t upset by what ever it is/was he was trying to do.
I think I will stay nervous. I think the boys will not ever be alone together. Ever.
My son is currently on the back porch playing with his toys. I don’t like how he plays with them,but since it is just the two of us today I am not going to stop him. Scratch that. He has his bug net and is off hunting bugs in the yard. He has a bug call.
Life is very surreal with this son.