it never occured to me

My older three children (the ones who are grown) were heinously abused for about eight months by their father,my first husband, and a dozen of his friends and neighbors.(I am not exaggerating) He did it to get back at me for divorcing him among other reasons. They were eight,five and almost four when I realized a portion of what was happening and moved across the country to keep them safe. This post isn’t about the intervening years of PTSD. It isn’t about the guilt I will always carry because they were abused on my watch.
This post is about yet one more thing that was taken from my older daughters because of that evil man.
The joy of nursing their own infants.
When my oldest complained of panic attacks while nursing I chalked it up to post postpartum depression. Now her sister-who was originally happy this baby would nurse- is telling me she too hates to nurse her baby. She hates it because of the panic attacks. “It’s because of the; too much touch and being confined.”
She is hoping the antidepressants for PPD will help with her panic attacks as well. To tell you just how strong this daughter is,she is continuing to nurse her son because it is best for him.
My children were robbed of their innocence, a good portion of their their childhood and now something as fundamentally beautiful as the joy of nursing their own infant sons has been taken from them.
It never ends.

About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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