cautious optimism and a child with no interests


Family therapy day today. This week we all ignored JOAT including- youngest. We weren’t rude,per say, We simply answered what ever question he asked and then resumed our own conversation. I probably shouldn’t feel a bit of manically glee that I am not currently the target of my son’s contempt.
Youngest is showing (verbally at least) some in site into his own behavior. He was pointing out which behaviors he uses to get what he wants. He also stated he just isn’t as angry anymore. He seems to have a bit of a realistic plan for being with the other kids (“I won’t be so selfish”) and didn’t become angry when it was once again explained to him he would be close to an adult’s side for quite a while. He even laughed;a big belly laugh. He gave me a hug on his own.
Perhaps he is wanting to heal. Perhaps.
While we have been focusing on youngest, my next to youngest has been an increasing concern. He is nearly fourteen. He is full blown FASD with all the facial features. He has always been a pretty happy child,but puberty seems to be hitting him square in the face.
When he was younger he had a few bad habits.
They included little things like food hording,persistent lying, peeing and pooping on things,persevering on words or phrases and passive aggressive destruction of property. Written out he sounds much harder than he was. He was so blasted cute it was impossible to get mad at him-even when his poop was smeared down the wall.
At fourteen we are seeing some of these behaviors return (excluding the poop smearing). Food hording is once again an issue. If you saw my pantry,or two deep freezes you would know there is no danger of anyone in our family going hungry for a very long time. Still, he hides Doritos in his room and sneak eats them. There is no reason to sneak. They aren’t forbidden. Food in the rooms are highly frowned on,however. This area of the country grows very big,very persistent insects and I have a bit of a bug phobia. I do not want them eating in their rooms for just that reason. And why sneak? I could care less if he eats junk food once in a while. He only weighs 74 pounds-in his clothes-with his shoes on.
Some things that I treasure are slowly getting scratched up or disappearing. Nothing of monetary value,just sentimental. My middle daughter made Sculpty figures in high school. Many of which were very good. They are slowly disappearing. At first I thought it was my imagination. It isn’t. I am going to have to put them up.
This son currently has no interests except video games. Since we limit video games to weekends,he spends hours doing nothing. He just sits. It isn’t that he is bored,he just turns off. It is getting worse. If you saw our house and all of the things we have to entertain kids and teens,you would see why this astounds us. He has no desires. He has no friends. He can be beside someone and not engage with them.You do not hold a conversation with this son His physical boundaries are disappearing as well.(his biological siblings have some trouble here as well,but they can fake it pretty well) He is literally hanging on his dad or his older brother. Full body contact-even in public sometimes. This one is a very big concern because he will follow anyone. It also just looks wrong when an adolescent boy with a straggly upper lip is hanging on a middle aged man. The fact they are different ethnicities makes it even harder for the general public to understand.
I hate watching kids lose ground. I hate that he was pickled in alcohol before he took his first breath. I hate that everyone is growing up and he is not. I hate that he will tell me he has shaved (no facial hair until high school in our family) and still have an upper lip covered in fur. I hate lying in general;but to lie when the truth is still on your lip,well…..

I just wish he had some inner drive,desire, or anything at all. I wish he could just say I am mad,sad,glad,or any feeling at all instead of destroying something that means something to me.
It would also be nice if he would brush his teeth and use soap-but that has always been a problem. (He likes to slick up the bathtub with shampoo and slide up and down.) You would think he wouldn’t fit to slide anymore.
It is impossible to be angry with him for long.
It is impossible to even be angry with him for a little while.
Worried, yes.
Angry,no.
Sigh.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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One Response to cautious optimism and a child with no interests

  1. Dawn says:

    your son looks like my adopted son and your story is similar. i would love it if you could contact me…I have questions and also in the middle of divorcing his adopted dad yet I still struggle in counseling that he is FASD and not ADHD and maybe he is partly Passive Agressive…just wanted to share my story and see what you thought.

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