progress???????

Last weeks family therapy session with youngest was not in JOAT’s (jerk of a therapist) control. It was in ours. It was one of those rare times when we have been able to connect with youngest son. He was actually thinking about what we talked about. He was weighing what he said-thoughtfully,not manipulatively. Most of the time was spent talking about where he was currently feels safe to him,but he cannot remain there. He has to either go forward and come home-something that is terrifying to him,or he can continue to blow out of placements violently and end up in prison. Prison he has said is where he has always felt he should end up. It was the culture he was born into. Now,at age thirteen,he has to make a life altering decision. This time he understands what living in our family means.
He has finally realized there is no more foster care. He has tasted prison-lite (the previous RTC). He has tasted being loved and cared for (our home). He admits he is afraid to feel love. We offered him the three month extension of his probation which would also allow him to remain in his current setting for a bit more time. He asked for time to think about it. We had expected him to jump on the opportunity to delay coming home. He wanted to actually weigh the cost in his own mind. Progress
Of course JOAT had to have some input. He asked our son to draw his birth home just as we finished talking about family etc. You could see the anguish turn to anger and then watch my son shut down.JOAT did not notice. We put this down to very poor judgment on JOAT’s part. The other bit of input actually upset me. As we were talking back and forth about the pros and cons of prolonging probation,JOAT asks if we ever saw Lord of the Rings. We assured him we were familiar with the stories.He then said for us to imagine that my son was an Orc who had been kidnapped by Hobbits and how our baby Orc would feel in the Shire. I told him my son was not born an Orc. He was not born evil. JOAT pushed the illustration as if we didn’t understand his point. This time I was more adamant. My son was no ORC. My son was not born evil. He was not destined for evil. My son was born just like every other baby and had just wanted to be cared for and loved. It was not anything to do with what kind of a baby he was. He was a good baby. It was not his fault his parents could not parent him. JOAT continued to push the Orc connection. I finally told him that perhaps a better illustration would be if my son were a Hobbit kidnapped by Orcs and then returned to the Shire. It would feel strange to him,but he would know he had come home.
With those two exceptions,the session went pretty well. My husband and I left feeling that perhaps our son was beginning to think instead of react.
Today I had my weekly visit with youngest. He was somewhat distant,but not argumentative. I asked him what he had decided about prolonging his probation. He had me walk through exactly what it meant again. He then made his decision. He wants to come home in June. He does not want to remain where he is. He knows it will be hard.
He even accepted that he would be by an adults side until we felt he was ready for more freedom. He didn’t bristle.
I think he wants to want to come home. I think this is a very big step. I think we just might have made some progress.