I am feeling a little anxious today.It’s over nothing in particular and everything in general. I feel the future looming and don’t feel up to dealing with it. We have had the constant drip of mini crisis, adoption issues,grown kid issues,parental health issues and the ever constant money issues. Nothing in and of itself has been that serious (well… except for my dad nearly dying and having personality changes-that was pretty darn serious ) All the other issues are just part and parcel of raising hurt kids,and living on one income in a two income world. We are also at the point where we need to not only talk about changing some things,but actually doing what is entailed to precipitate those changes. I don’t mind the talking part. It is the doing I am having trouble jump-starting.
There is a part of me that would love to live in denial and call it faith. How that works is this:I will wait for God to arrange my circumstances instead of listening to Him and changing what He tells me needs to change. It is very easy to pretend I am living in faith,or Waiting on the Lord when in fact I am doing neither. What I am doing is allowing my fear of change (both small and large) to paralyze me from moving forward and then calling it faith.That way I get to blame God instead of myself when my life isn’t moving forward. I am not saying God never tells me to wait on Him. He does. It is just that He isn’t doing that now and I would like him to.
For the last ten years our lives have centered on adoption. The last year our life has been put on hold as we try and deal with youngest and his effects on the other kids. We haven’t felt the energy or inclination to do more than occasionally acknowledge God’s call as we regrouped and rested.
God is calling a little bit louder now. I hear Him. I sometimes wish I didn’t ,but I do.
It is fear, plane and simple that is holding me back. I’ve grown used to the quiet. I am afraid to deal with more kids,or even with youngest coming home. What if we adopt and the kids are even in worse shape than youngest? What if our family is destroyed? What if youngest would heal-if he is our last? What if I am too old for more kids? How will we afford a vehicle big enough? Where will we put the little buggers? I have more,but you get the drift.
God does answer my angst ridden questions and doubts. He asks me a question of His own.
“If not you,then who?”
His reassurance isn’t quite what I would like either. I want Him to tell me everything will work out the way I want it to. What I hear is this:
“If I call you then I will equip you;I always have and I always will. I will equip you with wisdom,energy,and a bigger van that actually runs. I will see you are fed. I will not promise you the outcome you want. I will promise you the ability to face what is.”
Going back for my masters degree is another set of questions.What if I’m not accepted into the program? What if I am? What if I fail? What if I spend two and a half years and thousands of dollars and I fail? What if I can’t find employment? What if my family falls apart? What if I fall apart? What if I’m really stupid after all? (adolescent angst has nothing on mid-life angst,let me tell you)
I have the assurance there that God will let me know if I should continue,or not. But to know I have to make the first step. Once again, it is the first step that is the hardest.
I do not have any assurance that we will be placed with children,even if we update our homestudy. Youngest is a class one felon. I do not have any assurance that I will finish school and be employable into my seventies (retirement being a thing of the past for most of us).
Heck, for that matter I don’t have any assurance I won’t get hit by a bus tomorrow.
What I have is questions and anxiety and doubt.
Middle aged angst at it’s worst.