so much for not grieving

I lied. We are grieving. We are second and third and even forth guessing how we have interacted with youngest. We are praying for a miracle and wondering where God is. This isn’t the best time of year to be battling grief and feelings of failure.
I know all of the rational answers to our feeing. I know we did do and are doing all we knew/know to do.
I read about kids with severe RAD and how they are making progress. It is progress in fits and starts,but still progress. I wonder for the three millionth time if we would have handled youngest differently,would he be home and healing. I do not honestly know what we could have done differently. I read about kids who can be deescalated and manage to re regulate. Rarely could we get youngest to that point. We tried every trick we knew and then some. They simply were not enough.
The fact he is acting the same way in his second facility since last April (third if you count detention) does not make these feelings any less.
We know our son is a potential Ted Bundy. It is one thing to know it yourself (and be able to tell yourself you are overreacting) and another to hear a professional tell you your son is a danger to society and if he does not heal has the potential to hurt others. He still thinks killing is OK. Jail is not a deterrent. That is pretty scary in a child. There is absolutely nothing that deters him except greater force-even that is negligible.
What is it that allows some children to heal? What is it that prevents others from doing so? My son has a very slim chance of ever healing in an institution . He is not safe enough to come home where he might be able to so.
I really do need to get philosophical about this soon. I am driving myself nuts. I will be fine for a while and then just want to sit and cry.

About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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