back to the beginning

My now eighteen year old daughter has returned to the attitudes and behaviors she had when she first came home-with a twist. She was confronted on some decisions that could have serious ramifications,not just for her,but for the rest of the family as well. She is upset she was caught. Even after spelling out the potential consequences of her behavior several times,using small word and frequent comprehension checks,she does not understand why I’m upset. Her actions seem to be socially acceptable within a certain group of teens. Unfortunately, they aren’t legal and they aren’t ethical and they aren’t moral. They also show just how little ability she has to regulate her behavior on her own.
To punish me she isn’t talking to me unless spoken to,and was mean to her two year old nephew last night. Being mean to the small children is not anything I’ve ever worried about with her before. She usually dotes on the little ones and is my right hand when they visit. She told her sister-in-law she wanted to prove to everyone she isn’t like her birth mom. She wants to do that by moving out without finishing high school,without a driver’s liscence or even public transportation,without a place to live and with a part time minimum wage job. Her Sister-in-law is trying to tell her what she needs to become independent. She is telling her what rents cost and utility deposits entail. She is encouraging her to stay home until she can leave successfully. Her dad and I have been saying the same thing to her for the last year or so.
She tells me she wants to go to college. She tells me she wants to go into the military. She refuses to do her school work,yet blames me because she isn’t done. She wants to be independent,but refuses to get her permit to drive.She wanted to go out with friends on her birthday-but no friends called to ask her out.
She is back to wearing her makeup and trying to dress like a hoochy mama-just to stay home.
She is rebelling at home like a spoiled twelve year old.She is actively recruiting her brothers to separate from us and join her. at least I know for sure why her thirteen year old brother is peeing on things again.
I was angry about her trying to destroy her brothers’ security,so she can feel supported in her decisions. She is placing them is the position of being disloyal to her and letting us know what she is up to,or letting her get very badly hurt. I think the seventeen year old understands exactly what she is doing. My thirteen year old does not. She was his mother figure for the first six years of his life. He is confused.
In addition,she has some female type problems that could be serious that she hasn’t told me about for months. (no she isn’t pregnant) She is mad at me for making a GYN appointment as well.
My daughter is developmentally an early (very) adolescent. She is legally an adult. She will do anything for male attention and she has no discernment about people. Everyone is her friend. Every guy who gives her attention “loves” her and she “loves” him. She isn’t trying to be immoral. She just doesn’t have the capacity to make moral judgment. We are walking a very thin line with her. We do not want her moving out.
I think she thought the world changes on your eighteenth birthday. Suddenly your don’t need high school to get into college (or rent an apartment). Suddenly money just falls from the sky. May be she still thinks she can “age out”.I honestly do not feel like I have a handle on what is going on in her head at all. I am very much afraid of her being victimized.
I also can’t trust a single word that comes out of her mouth. The last time her lying was this complete was when she was twelve. It is like a switch has gone off and she has returned to where she started from.
There is so much she can accomplish if she will let herself. There is very little I can do to keep her from self destructing.
I think this child may just break my heart.

About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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