school blues and a question for you

I am tired of trying to light a fire underneath behinds. I have the teens’ mp3 players and a cell phone sitting on the breakfront awaiting their owners to complete school work due two weeks ago. My about-to-turn eighteen year old will get hers back after school hours when she has her birthday. She will be an adult (kind of,sort of), after all. Her brother’s is mine until he is done.
I wouldn’t be so blasted aggravated if they were doing their best. They are not.The older two have told me quite honestly they are giving me fifty percent. What they can’t tell me is why they are giving me half effort.
It dawned on me, that they will (if they make it) be the first to graduate high school in their birth family in at least four generations. Drugs and/or alcohol have stopped those before them. Buried deep within their psyches is the propaganda that education is for losers. It is a concept I cannot get my own mind around. It is a concept that guarantees victim hood and a twisted sense of entitlement.
At least it is no longer in the front of their minds. I am beginning to think it is still hovering in the deep,dark shadows,though.If you add to that learning disabilities and limited long term cause and effect….well you get the idea.
It is times like these that It helps to remember that drugs and alcohol are not a part of their lives. Nor are pregnancies or jail time. That is a big deal and I need to remember it.
The older two are holding down jobs based on their own merit. They use their dad as a touch stone,when stressed at work. He is there for them to literally touch(usually a punch to the shoulder from my son). They have no other compensations made for them. They are working hard and doing well in their own right.
That,too,is a big accomplishment.
I have to remember these things when I get frustrated with them.
It helps.
It is to their credit.

My husband talked to youngest son’s newest therapist. He told me he liked the other one better. It figures. We find one we feel comfortable with and they are replaced wit someone who doesn’t quite get it.
Youngest wants me to bake him cookies and mail them to him.
Is this a good idea? would it be better for me to bring cookies with me during visitation,instead. I am thinking bonding here.I want him to associate getting nice things,sweet things from mom, not the post office.
Is this off base? He is eligible for visits in less than two weeks.
If he were even somewhat bonded to me, I would assume the cookies would remind him of home and good memories. Since he isn’t even minutely attached,it seems it would just be cookies,or even worse,manipulating me into making him cookies,while he does nothing towards working his program. (He is in trouble again)
If I am handing him his goodies,then he has to acknowledge they are from me,and would maybe begin to associate me with sweet things.
If you think my rational is off kilter,please tell me. If you think I am making sense, then tell me that too.

About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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2 Responses to school blues and a question for you

  1. hnracademy says:

    Well it makes sense to me, but your youngest is not known for making sense, so who knows how he will process it. He might find something about them to be angry about anyway. But, I have never delt with kids like this, so what do I know?

  2. Charlotte in MN says:

    In the attachment books I have been reading, they say that sweets should only come from you. That they should associate you with the good things. I think that you have him pegged correctly and that you are right.

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