miscellaneous

Thanksgiving Day went very well. For the first time in years,all three older kids were at a family event and no one triggered anyone else. There was no edgy, almost mean, humor. There were no tears. There was no self righteous I-am-above-the-rest-of-my-family-ness. (All those who know us personally can guess who didn’t do what). The younger kids were quiet. There was a lot of good natured ribbing and joking. There was a ton of good food. The babies and toddlers got along with no bighting or fighting (except for an entire tube of toothpaste and two brand new sticks of deodorants being used as body art). There was no one I needed to monitor, as youngest is safely residing in residential. I could just relax and enjoy the day. Very nice.
Our tree went up last night. The teens were actually remembering ornaments,and when they were made. They were discussing good Christmas memories. If I can just get my husband out of his own Christmas curmudgeonly funk,we might have a good year this year.
Youngest will not be eligible for a pass until the middle of January. That means I will not have to monitor behavior at Christmas either.
I do feel rather guilty for feeling relieved.
I also feel like an entire year of his life has been wasted.
This should be his second Christmas with us. This is the year (if he were attaching at all) he could begin to take part in our low key traditions. It was a year ago next week that we thought a corner had been turned. Once the tree was up and we had our infamous all the kids intervention at the therapists, my son seemed to realize he actually had a home. A year ago next week,Youngest sat at the table making Christmas ornaments and decorating gingerbread houses. He was still very edgy-but he wasn’t violent. He seemed to want to be here. This year he is in an institution perhaps getting help;perhaps just being warehoused.
This is not were I thought he would be a year ago. This is not where I want him to be this year.
On the other hand, he has to be safe enough to come home.
Back to the dillema. He cannot attach unless he is home with us. He cannot be home as long as he wants to kill me. He needs to work on his trauma-but has no safe person to suport him as he does. Until he works on his trauma,he will continue to lash out at the people who are actually safe.
He has to want to heal. He,at this time, cannot let himself. He is a hurt and hurting child who thinks homicide is justifiable. He is a curly haired four foot,ten inch adorable boy who thinks substituting any victim will get his revenge on those who actually hurt him. He is an endearing,charming,intelligent,artistic, manipulative angry, child without a conscience. He is a sociopath.
How does one parent a child like that?
Today I need to get the rest of the Christmas decorations up. I have a good portion of my shopping done.
We really do keep a low key holiday. I do like to have nice things under the tree. This is the only time except birthdays when we buy our kids gifts. I want to get them things they will appreciate and use through out the year. It is important to me to find just the right gift. I like seeing the looks of delight. None of my children are greedy. The teens aren’t materialistic. my thirteen year old is the hardest to buy for because he has no interests. When I say no interests,I mean he has none. Last year he spent the year creating with the monster K’nex set we bought. This year he will not touch them. Every gift he received for his birthday has sat in his room collecting dust. He asked for the exact same things his older brother received when he turned thirteen. The difference is-his brother used his gifts and he doesn’t. He is good at building things. I am not certain why he has stopped. He is also refusing to earn money to buy gifts. His dad and I had to come down very hard on him to get him to start. I think he is mad at his brother and sister for working (and growing up). He needs to get over it. He still wants to be the baby. It is hard to treat someone with scraggly facial hair as a baby. We have raised our expectations to that of an eight to ten year old instead of a six year old. It is stressing him out. Sometimes I look at him and I just want to cry. He still has the facial characteristics of FAS. In a way that is good. There are times anyone can see he is impaired (unlike his siblings). He has no friends. He knows he is supposed to be with the teens,so he will not play with the younger kids any more. He cannot keep up with kids his own age,though. He has no interests of his own (except video games,which we limit). He just kind of is.
My thirteen year olds are similar in some respects and dead opposites in others. Neither one is good with cause and effect. Neither one is age appropriate. Both boys obsess. Both have no friends. One boy rages. One boy shuts down. One boy wants to destroy. The other hasn’t a mean bone in his body. One trusts no one. The other is attached. We worry over the future of both boys.
Speaking of futures….I need to figure out what I am going to do with myself when I grow up. I know I am not one for sitting home once all the kids are (in theory) grown. For the life of me,I can’t figure out what I want to do. I do know I don’t want to go back into nursing. My back and knees are shot to do the physical work involved and working an office is one of the levels of Hell for me. I have thought about going back and getting my masters and becoming a nurse practitioner. I’m not sure that’s what I want though. Maybe I should go in a completely different direction. What I really and truely want is one more set of kids. That may not be possible. In fact,it doesn’t look like it is. (and yes I resent the choice being taken away due to a child’s behaviors; child whom we are doing our best to get help for.)
A hornet just flew past me. Time to shoo it back outside before my brain damaged dog tries to eat it. Silly animal.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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