I handle the big things OK. I have listened to some pretty horrible things from small children’s lips and kept it together. I did fine in court yesterday. I did well during my visit with youngest yesterday. I didn’t leave when he cussed,or yelled at me. I did raise my voice when he justified stabbing the boy with the pencil by telling me the boy was “messed up and annoying” I did ask him if I should stab him whenever I felt he was annoying.He didn’t see the connection. I told him again that we wanted him to come home. He was loved. etc.etc. I rubbed his back. I did my best. The poor kid is so messed up. He was surprised he would be on a locked unit at residential. He was surprised he would be shadowed 24-7 for the first month there. He was surprised he would sill have to go to school. He was surprised he would be expected to follow the rules. I reminded him all this was explained to him. I reminded him I explained it all to him.
“I don’t listen to you” he told me. “I listen to people who don’t have to look things up on the computer”
He was under the impression all he was going to have was therapy a few times a week and the rest of his time was going to be free.
He was also upset to know he will have to go back in front of the judge to have his record expunged when he is 18. He told me that was “messed up” and ” I’m not wasting my money on no lawyer just for that.” The fact he will not be able to get a job,rent an apartment,join the military or get financial aid for college with the felony on his record is not sinking in.
It was,all in all not a very good visit.
My son cannot be admitted into residential until he has his dental exam. His last one is over a year old. He should have had one last spring,but he was too unstable and was then incarcerated. I had planned on getting it done when he came home. But he isn’t coming home.
To get his teeth checked he will be in leg irons and have a armed guard. I asked they take him to Castle and not our dentist. Our dentist office is not used to kids in leg irons with armed escorts. My other kids would be embarrassed forever.
That is what put me over the edge.
My son, my thirteen year old son (who looks ten on a good day) is going to be taken to the dentist in leg irons. I think about it and it is all I can do not to weep. I take that back. I am crying. The reality of where my son is and is going has hit me full force. Every bit of grief is back. All the feelings of failing this child,all the feelings of not being who he needed are bubbling up. My head may know this isn’t my failure. My heart says differently.
My son is going to be going to the dentist in leg irons and an armed guard.
And there is nothing I can do to make it better.
In fact, I seem to be the one who makes things worse. Just by being a mom. Just by being his mom
I want my son to be well.