what to do,what to do?

Yesterday was a much needed day. We went hiking and the kids threw sticks and rocks into the water. There is something about hiking that helps re-orient everyone. The kids are all on overload. They are all wanting to check out and hide inside their heads. Both boys are giving me fits with their school. I need to decide soon if I am going to treat this as a behavioral or an emotional issue. When they were younger I would take a week off school and have then help me in the house and yard. We haven’t been doing school long enough to warrant taking time off. The real problem for me is realizing they cannot handle a full day’s school work. They can do half a day and do it well. Any more ,and I am seeing dead stares and angry looks. The lying has increased, as have the very poor attempts to pretend they have done work they haven’t touched. (OK guys, you are home schooled.I am sitting is the same room with you. I am your teacher. I know when you haven’t done something.Please figure that out and save us all some trouble!) Just because they don’t have a malicious bone in their bodies,doesn’t mean they don’t have their issues. Theirs are just socially acceptable issues-like trying to tell your mother you have done something you haven’t.
I’ll eventually find the balance. They will eventually find their stride. They are for the most part darn good kids.
Youngest,however, isn’t doing well at all. He handled his pass on his birthday just fine. It was the next day he had his fall out. His counselor desired to try and teach my son his world view was skewed during family therapy. His world-view is skewed,but listing beliefs on a white board isn’t going to convince my son his view the wrong one. My husband and I watched him control the family therapy session. He very deftly manipulated his therapist. In the past one, of us has tried to keep him on task. The therapist has interpreted this negatively. This week, we didn’t try. This is the way he acts when I visit him,or he is home. Only he is allowed to talk. Only he is allowed to direct. If anyone else attempts some give and take,or attempts to talk to him about anything of substance,he looks away,talks over them, gets up and moves,puts his head between his legs,rubs his eyes,passes gas etc,etc. Sometimes he gives the appearance of listening until he is asked a question. He has a variety of stock replies. If you attempt to clarify his reply, he will revert to the above.
Next session she is going to have him role play. That should be productive. (yes I am being sarcastic)
We were told by the therapist she has noticed the staff has stopped giving our son incident reports.They are issuing sanctions for the same behaviors instead. We did mention that this wasn’t in his best interest.
That was why we were surprised to get a phone call after ten last night telling us not to pick up our son for furlough today. He received an incident and would not be allowed his pass. The sad thing is I was relieved. I have planned his days home in such a way to incrementally bring him back to family expectations. Today, for the first time, I was going to have him help in the back yard. We do not want him to think he will come home and be a long term guest. He is a part of a family,whether he likes it or not.
My guess is we will be seeing more and more incidents as we near discharge. He does not want to come home. Even though he hates where he is,he hates family more. He has a whole slew of people to manipulate where he is. Even if some see through his and hold him accountable,others are trying to save him and let him slide. After all, he can be adorable.
We need to make therapist decisions with youngest. He will be home in about five weeks. We are going to interview one in two weeks. The other has worked with members of our family in the past. One is supposed to be the best for RAD in our area-but is into eastern religion,the other has most of his experience with PTSD and working with abusive men-and is Christian. Our last therapist used to be affiliated with the former. Adults in our family have worked with the latter ( for PTSD with almost miraculous results). One is 30 minutes away,the other is up to an hour and a half away. One we don’t know,the other we trust. Both use EMDR.
We are on the fence. We don’t feel we have the luxury of a bad choice.
What to do, What to do?


About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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