Pre tramatic stress syndrome

The kids at home are doing marginally better than last week. The boys are getting further and further behind on their school,however. I need to figure out how to address this. Some of it is testosterone induced laziness. Some of it is learning difficulties. Some of it is stress from dealing with varying adoption and growing up issues. Their sister is maintaining a good pace for her. She is working hard. This is the best she can do. I have talked to the grown kids about giving her “permission” to graduate not this spring,but the following. Sometimes older siblings are listened to,when mom and dad’s are not. This is normal homeschooling three with neurological challenges school year stress. It always takes me a while to figure out how much to push,when to push and when to back off and let them work s l o w l y.
It is the thought of youngest coming home in 6 weeks that is causing the most angst. I do not seem to be able to find a balance with him. He continues to manipulate. He admires criminals. He honestly admires them. He aspires to be one. He verbalized his pride in how many cops it took to bring him down last year. He was proud of it. I was not therapeutic in my response. I responded like a mom who’s child just did something idiotic. Unfortunately, I did it on a Sunday visit while at the Academy. I know better. I know not to let my son get to me-especially in public. My son looked injured (although I did catch the smile when he thought no one saw). I looked like an overwrought idiot. It is something about him being proud of trying to slice me with the cleaver and then almost getting shot by the police for refusing to drop the knife, that is causing me difficulty. Darn it, I am not a professional! I am just a mom. I am not seeing anything that gives me warm fuzzies here. I am seeing a son who has no moral base,who thinks violence is justified when ever he perceives himself wronged,and has limited cause and effect thinking. Every time I see his sly smile I become nervous. When my son is home I am continuously alert. Where he is in the room and what he is doing? Which son is currently in the room with me. The sweet one? The one who wants all the attention? Or is it the one who wants me hurt?
So much of my mental energy goes into trying to find a way to parent this child,to find a way past his defenses to the child we pray still lurks within.
When my son came home a year ago,we understood the first few months would be hard. We were prepared for hard (we thought). The other kids put their own wants and needs on hold to help their new brother settle in. They did that instinctively. They did it because they wanted their new brother to know he was safe now. He was with people who understood just how afraid he was. They had been where he was.
We had no clue we would be in the same place over a year later. It is worse in some ways. We were all filled with hope a year ago. As bad as it was,we felt up to the task. This child needed stability and people who believed he was worth fighting for. Once he had that,he would begin to settle down and settle in.
Boy, were we naive. Twenty years of parenting traumatized children and we missed skyscraper sized red flags.
This year we know how great the odds are. This year we continue to think our son is worth fighting for.
But, this year we understand that he doesn’t want to heal. This year the other children cannot afford to put their needs on hold as their brother drains the life out of our house. This year we understand he means it when he says he hates us;he wants all moms dead. This year we know how hard it will be. It will be very hard.
He isn’t yet home and I am feeling overwhelmed.
I am suffering from pre-traumatic stress syndrome.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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