cognitive disconnect

It can be a bit surreal talking with youngest. His newest kick is A: ride the bus too and from JJ once he has moved to the day program and B: to be allowed to “roll” with his friends once he is “in the free”.
I was all set to fight for the bus ride myself (I do have things to do during the day-like make sure the other kids are educated),until yesterday’s conversation with my son. It seems his case worker told him she didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to be on the bus. To be very honest, we questioned the wisdom of it ourselves.
I explained to my son one of the reasons was no one wanted to set him up to fail. Because he was still having such a hard time controlling his behavior while in a highly structured setting, it was thought that being on a bus unsupervised with other kids who have a hard time controlling their behavior might be a bit much.
“But I act different when I’m out”.
He was informed that the adults who care for him can only go by the behavior they see. If he wants freedoms,he has to be able to show he can control himself. He did not understand this concept in the slightest. I told him that the adults were watching out for him. He disagreed.
After a few minutes of unsuccessfully jockeying for a ride on the bus ,he started telling me about two brothers with multiple piercings. He wanted to “roll” with them-or maybe their little brother,yeah they have an eleven year old brother-he can “roll” with him. When would he be able to go out?
He was not happy when he was informed that first,he had to come home. Second,he needed to be able to be trusted at home. If we cannot trust him to follow the rules of the house when he is with us, we most certainly will not trust him out of our sight. I explained the progression of freedom. I explained that his friend would be more than welcome at our house. I explained that as long as he was still threatening to kill me,he would not be with others unsupervised. If he was mean and violent at home,he might be that way with others and it would be irresponsible for me to risk his friends.
“So I don’t tell you I want to kill you just for that day?”
“No,son. You have to stop threatening to kill me. Threatening to kill your mother is a bad thing.”
His face was priceless. This made no sense to him at all.
We then talked about how his friends have to follow the rules of our house when they are over. If they deliberately break our rules, they will be asked to go home.
Once again his face was priceless. He was appalled we would want his friends to not cuss,do drugs, drink,or destroy our property.
When we finally got to him going to other peoples houses, I explained his dad or I would be meeting the parents and making sure there would be supervision. If the parents were drinking and drugging, I wouldn’t let him go over.This one about set him over the edge. He didn’t understand that rule at all. I told him his friends were more than welcome at our house. He spent a lot of time telling me that this was not fair. I spent sometime telling him that most kids like our house and this has been the same rule for all of the eight kids that have come before him. Their friends actually liked to come to our house. There is a lot to do and the food is good.
I also reminded him he would be on probation. One of the terms of his probation is to not be with felons. Conversely, since he is a felon, no one on probation could be with him. He listed offseveral names and finally came up with a brother of one of his friends who wasn’t on probation. All through this conversation he was speaking gangster. A four foot eight inch gang banger.
After nearly thirty minutes, I informed him that his cause would be better served if he stopped talking like a gang banger. I also told him he was in sixth grade and wouldn’t be “rolling” with anyone. He wasn’t going to be running the roads in the sixth grade. He would be supervised until I could trust him to follow the household rules out of my sight. His degree of freedom was completely up to him.
The death glares are getting old.
In all honesty, it was hard to keep a straight face through most of the visit. Every time my son opened his mouth,he convinced me all the more of his need for tight supervision. You don’t convince your mother to let you out to “play” while telling her the friends you want to “play”with are gangsters,felons,and their parents are more than likely doing drugs. He has one hundred percent cognitive disconnect.
Oh, his Concerta has kicked in. He spent the entire visit twitching,and tapping and fidgeting and basically speeding right along. That doesn’t surprise me. Concerta is timed released speed. This is how kids that are not ADHD respond to speed. Also, there is a very real possibility he was drug exposed in utero. If it was to crack or coke, his brain is now right at home. This is not a good thing.
But what do I know, I’m just the mom.

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About lenell

Wife to a very patient man and mom to 8 interesting kids via birth,marriage and adoption. Grandma to nearly 5,nearly perfect grandchildren.
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