just another mom parenting hurt kids

I hardly know what to say

lenell — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:09:40 +0000

We were I court again last Friday. It was not good. Not at all good. Legally there seems nothing can be done to find out what happened in the foster home. I found out children are still being placed there.
My son’s ad litem told us point blank she would object to us asking the previous foster parents what really occurred in their home – did my son rape those boy(s)? We contacted our lawyer who told us we waited too long to retain her. Final hearing is next week,not in March as we were once told.
We were also told by the ad litem that Youngest wants to return to foster care and age out. It would be nice to hear that from him ourselves.
That is also something else that probably will not happen.
Our plan is to basicly give up. He cannot come home. We believe he did rape with the wooden cross. Too many people are covering up instead of giving us any answers. We are now praying we will not have to pay child support on top of everything else.

On February 5th our son will have had our name for three years.
On January 30th we will cease to be his parents.

There is of course much more than I am writing here.
When I am a bit more emotionally strong I will share just how devistated we are.
Our son needs residential treatment.
He is placed in a family home and attending public school.
He has had no consequenses for his actions – felonies.
His victims have received no help.
The adults who allowed/encouraged the rape have had no consequences. They still have children being placed in their home.

So,you want to adopt a hurt child?
So did we.

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Sort of an update part two

lenell — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 22:46:15 +0000

We did speak with an attorney. It wasn’t exactly comforting. Our options are few. We can bring youngest home -but might need a trial to get him there, we can dissolve the adoption,or we can continue with the state as managing conservator until he ages out and we get visitation-maybe. What we cannot do is force the state to do what is right. As of today we have not even been able to talk to our son. Family therapy has not occurred.
Any bets on whether the state will provide the intensive therapy our son most definately needs?
He cannot come home. The risk to the rest of us is simply too high.
I do not know yet what we will do.
Oh yes, we can be assesed child support beyond what we are now paying. At this time his adoption stipend is going back to the state. That may or may not be the case in the future.
In other news our fifteen year old went to winter encampment and graduated! He did this completely by himself. I w a bit worried when I looked over his paperwork and he had himself in the eighth grade and had nonsense numbers as his phone number,but he did just fine. He did forget his boots and his tennis,but managed to run PT in his dress shoes just fine. We are very proud of him.
My husband’s mother is actively dying across the country from us. She is on hospice now. My poor husband is just about at his limit.

I will eventually get back to semi-regular blogging. For now things are still a bit unsettled. My oldest son is borrowing our second car so I am trapped to the internet less house most days. My son needs the car to get back and forth to work etc.( he had been walking the seven miles),he also has his kids and hasn’t been able to go anywhere with them as they are too young to walk a few miles.

Every one else is fine.
Life goes on in spite of heart rending crisis.

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Sometimes life just sucks

lenell — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 23:16:05 +0000

My husband’s mom is dying. Sometime in the next few weeks according to her doctors. It isn’t entirely unexpected. She has been deteriorating for the last few months. Still,we were thinking months to years-not weeks.
We saw a lawyer about Youngest today. The upshot is there is nothing we can do to force CPS to do the right thing. We have three choices. We can bring him home, dissolve the adoption,or allow CPS to maintain Managing Concervatorship and we keep visitation rights.
In reality we have two choices. He cannot come home.
I would not wish this on anyone.
Our attorney did think we could avoid child support. If not,there goes my husband’s raise.
Once again,no good solutions; only bad and worse.
Life is simply very,very hard.

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sort of an update

lenell — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 18:55:23 +0000

Last Thursday I was in on the conference call between some of the parties involved. The night before Youngest called to ask why we were doing this to “Big Guy”. The foster dad was in the background telling my son what to say.
The story is now that my son stabbed one boy in the butt with a cross during horse play” after Thanksgiving. The foster dad was highly inappropriate during the conference call.He denied saying things that were witnessed and blame shifted constantly. His supervisor was suggesting the incident report be changed to satisfy CPS with the new story of events. Two conversations with CPS occurred afterwords where they told me the foster dad was being internally investigated. They also found a new home for my son and moved him the Friday before Christmas. He is now nearly three hours away from us in a different part of the state. He is in a family home led by a female. I have had no contact with Youngest. We do not have a phone number to call and he has not called us. CPS called me yesterday to tell me he was “doing well”. I asked what would happen next and was told we were going to wait a few months for my son to stabilize and then send him home. I asked what they were doing for my son and they said he would get therapy. It went from everyone being horrified and mentions of another Penn State,to feeling like it was going to be brushed under the rug.

We are going to get an attorney. We are refusing to sign another blessed thing until we do.

In my heart of hearts I think my son did the things originally ascribed to him. He needs much more than simple therapy. I am also afraid there may be a danger to those in the home he is in.

At best, my son blames us for all that has happened and three years of work to build the minute amount of trust with him that had occurred has been destroyed.He will sink even further into the worlds in his own head. He feels we betrayed him.

This is so incredibly,unbelievably wrong.

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it is beyond ugly. youngest is being moved-but not home

lenell — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 19:39:37 +0000

On Monday we went to court and it was ordered for Youngest to return home. There should have been no surprises. There were.
After the standard testimony where Youngest’s history was repeated and the reasons for his going into care (to pay for his residential treatment) were restated for the record, the ad litem requested to approach the bench with the prosecutor. We could only hear bits and pieces of what was told the judge. The CPS worker was just as nonplussed as we were. The order was signed,nevertheless and we were excused. All the ad litem would say when we asked, was that it was not a safety issue. She also would not make eye contact.
Because of this,my husband called the foster dad to touch base before Youngest was to return home (today it should have been) several hours later the foster dad called back in the presence of his supervisor and told my husband that our son had basically sodomized two separate boys on two separate occasions with a wooden cross he made in shop class.It was over some missing money, My husband was told. We were also told that CPS knew and told them that what happens in that home stays there because he (our son) was returning to our home anyway. We were told this happened before Thanksgiving;before he came into our home for a six day visit.
Several nearly hysterical phone calls back ad forth between myself and CPS and my husband and the foster dad and his supervisor occurred.
CPS seemed honestly shocked (but still asked if we wanted him to come home for Christmas!!!). I was told it was too late for charges to be pressed among other things. My husband was given more details that were beyond disturbing. CPS was given the same details and the same time-line. The worker asked if the other child was injured and if he was seen by a doctor. The foster dad told her he “checked the boy out and he was fine” She asked him point blank if the cross was inside the boy and was told yes. She was also told the foster dad had “handled it.” I was told the incident had been called in and an investigation would be started.
My husband called the local (where Youngest is living) police to report a violent crime against a child. Foster dad had Youngest call us to ask why the police were involved. ??????????
It was never reported and it happened twice!!!!!

Yesterday,foster dad and his supervisor completely changed their story. Now it was simply “horseplay” and the cross never entered the other boys’ (now a single boy,not two different ones) butt.The time line has changed and now the incidents were after Thanksgiving instead of before. The supervisor told CPS it was because foster dad was trying to sabotage Youngest son’s return home. The foster dad wanted the money he was making off my son. I asked the CPS worker if anyone had asked my son if he did in fact stick the cross up the other boy. She said she asked him and he told her he did in fact stick the cross “up his butt”. He didn’t think it was a very big deal.
Youngest is being moved. We are under the impression the foster home is being shut down-but I do not know that for a fact. There is an investigation. Hopefully the truth will come out.
Anyway you paint it,it is beyond ugly.
We are physically sick.
We have questions upon questions.
Nothing we are being told is making sense.
How was my son able to disrobe and rape another boy with a cross and no one know? How was he able to do this twice? Why were the police not called and charges pressed? Why was that poor child(ren) not taken the the emergency room to be checked for injuries? Why we not told and youngest allowed to come into our home?
And if this is all a sick fabrication, why? Why would my son nonchalantly admit that he did sodomize (“sicked the cross up his butt”) the other boy like it was no big deal.
How do we keep this from being shoved under the rug?
My son cannot return home if this is true-ever.
He needs significant help or he will be another Hannibal Lector.
If this is fabricated,my son is now being moved to his thirteenth placement in seven years for no reason.
We simply cannot take the risk of bringing him home until we know.

If it is true,and we were not involved,would the foster dad have continued to allow (to encourage???) my son to torture others?After all,who would care? They are just foster kids. They are worse than non-people.

I want to throw up.

I realize I am taking a risk being this open. I do not use names and I do not say which state we are living in. I hope it is enough.

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time

lenell — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 21:40:05 +0000

My fifteen year old is much more like his old self now that he has been busted for cheating and is kept much closer to my side. I was finally able to get him to verbalize he began cheating when I was gone so much helping his sister. He just didn’t feel like trying-so he planned his elaborate cheating system instead. I also think banning him from most electronics has helped him as well. I will not ban him forever,although it may seem like that to him. He is banned for 7 more weeks,though. I am so mean.
My nineteen and twenty year old are now working just shy of full time. (no one is given forty hours anymore,no one.) My daughter is serving and absolutely loves it. She is a chatterer and does very well with superficial type socialization. She likes everyone and that is a definite asset in her current employment. Her brother on the other hand is busing tables and washing dishes. He does not love his job. As a matter of fact,he has begun to talk about actually maybe contacting a local community college about some training in something that does not involve dirty dishes.Time will tell if he is able to follow through. It would be nice if either one of them would want to drive. we are hoping the inconvenience of having to get up with their dad (3:30 in the morning) and then wait for their dad to get off work will help motivate them.So far they are still content.
My friendly CPS worker called to ask when we were planning on bringing our son home. Since we still cannot officially do that until after next Monday,I told her we hadn’t. We told her he was told he would be home for Christmas. I also told her I thought that since he was coming home for good,the department had to legally transport him-not us. It seems I am right. They are supposed to dot the transporting. She just didn’t want to spend six hours in the car and was hoping we did.
Youngest should-barring any further issues-be home on December 21.
Good news on the therapy front,I have found a(seemingly) competent therapist who will see Youngest! I hope this one will work out. Time will tell.
This weekend I am kidnapping all but the baby and having a pre-Christmas,lets trash grandma’s house sleepover for all the cousins. It will be crazy,but it will also be a lot of fun. So… Friday morning we have our little permanency party with CPS,Friday afternoon we do the two hour each way drive to pick up the grandchildren. I will return the grand-babies on Sunday. Monday is court. Tuesday is a half day eye appointment extravaganza and on Wednesday Youngest comes home.
I am almost done Christmas shopping. I only have to figure out a big gift for my youngest daughter and stocking stuffers. I also need to start baking. We will keep Christmas Day very low key as always-especially with the return of Youngest.
I can tell you one thing, I will throw a party (a very quiet party,but a party nonetheless) when we have CPS out of our lives in January. I know we are not going to have an easy ride.It will be nice to have some parental control back. For how long is anyone’s guess.
Once again, only time will tell.

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in search of a therapist

lenell — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:53:23 +0000

Well,it is almost one hundred percent official. CPS staffed us and, I quote,” will allow A—- to return to our home.” It is a good thing I was told this over the phone so our illustrious worker couldn’t see my face. I said nothing in reply. What was I supposed to say? Thank you for returning our son to us who you took only because we had the audacity to ask for help? Thank you for having our son have yet one more placement to leave. Thank you for over-medicating him since June? Thank you for humiliating us?
I could go on,but I won’t.
We have one more “permanency meeting and two (hopefully it will only be two)more court dates and we will once again be parents to the child we adopted nearly three years ago. This means we will need a therapist who not only knows what he/she is doing,but will take our insurance. I have had one taker so far. He seems very optimistic to me.but he is our only taker. Everyone else runs screaming …OK, politely tells me they are not qualified to take on a teen as severely troubled as my son. I have had a few offer to see me,though. Is that because I am already rocking,gibbering in a corner,or they anticipate I soon will be?
I also need a Head Shrinker that takes our insurance that will not push pills just to sedate my son (unless that is truly what he needs to stay violence free) This is not as easy as it looks.
I am glad that youngest is coming home. I am also fearful because he is coming home. We do have hope he has gained some maturity and some insight into himself. we have some hope he no longer wants to be in prison and no longer wants to hurt people. We also know just how complicated and fragmented he is. We know how bad it can get and how quickly it can get there. This is he last chance. If he cannot make it safely at home this time there simply are no other options for him.
I think my quiet boring life is about to get a whole lot more complicated.

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a whole lot of catching up to do-again

lenell — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 19:23:50 +0000

This whole going without the internet thing is difficult. I feel cut off from society at large.It isn’t as if the library is just down the street. Oh,well. There is nothing to be done about it. I paid off the enormous bill for thirty-seven days of non-service. With the fee for breaking contract, (no they would not waive it) it was over $500.That is a lot of money down the drain. It is time to face the facts of living in the only area in the USA that does not have broadband.
It is OK.
The shakes are gone and I only twitch once and a while.
I’ll be alright.
Honest.
My newest granddaughter is,of course,perfect. She is growing well and occasionally allowing her parents some sleep. I love newborns. I am also very glad I no longer have to be the one losing all that sleep to a tiny tyrant.
Of course Youngest comes home in two weeks for good; I may be back to losing my own sleep then.
His visit went well. I think we saw most all of those who live in his head over Thanksgiving. I briefly saw the evil smile. It was a glimpse,but enough for me to know this will not be an easy row to hoe. On the whole,he was easy to have around. He does seem to want to come home-at least ninety-five percent of him seems to. It is my other fifteen year old who is giving me fits right now.
It seems that my fifteen year old,with he help of his older brother and the knowledge of his older sister,has cheating down to an art form. I have suspected as much for a while now. Yesterday I caught him dead to rights. Guess what he did when I had him retake the math test he was caught cheating on (and every other math test he has taken this year-I am that mean).
You guessed it. He cheated again. He can lie to me with tears in his eyes and snot running down into his mouth and it does not mean there is remorse. It just means he has been caught. My son put quite a bit of planning and effort in his quest to not do any school work honestly. I should be somewhat impressed by the thought he put into not thinking. He had quite an elaborate system set up.I am livid with both he and his siblings who helped him. They are no longer ten,nine and five. It is no longer them covering up for their little brother sneaking food or peeing on things. They are now twenty,nineteen and fifteen. They are,in their quest to solidify their control over their brother,encouraging him to fail. They are in essence telling him he can only succeed through cheating. I told them so this morning. I now have all three of them mad at me for their dishonesty. Just because they do not wish me bodily harm,does not make this a healthy outlook.
Brain damage is not overcome. It is worked around,but not cured.Adoption issues are for life.Love can not undo early pain. That fact is hitting my upside my graying head this morning. It hurts.
And youngest is coming home.
I am sure this is in part retaliation for us bring their brother home-even though they all have said they want him to have this chance. It is the exact same dynamic my oldest daughter has in her home. Her three year old is thrilled with his new sister and giving his parents fits at the same time.Emotionally I am uncertain if my teenager and young “adults” are any older than their three year old nephew. I have all of the dynamics of young children in the home with none of the cuteness.
It does not help that this transition is occurring at Christmas.
Holiday Hell,anyone?
At least they are quiet about it. It isn’t that they are not attached to us. They are. It is just that the attachment is fluid. Sometimes it is secure. Sometimes they revert back to when they were all they had in the world. I do understand this. I know my getting mad does not help the situation. On the other hand,they need me to get mad when they screw up. They need to know someone actually does care what they do. Someone has standards for them to attain. Someone believes they can succeed. Someone loves them no matter what.

I need to re-figure my fifteen year old’s school. What I thought was working,even if imperfectly,is obviously not. I wish he had even one interest that was not a video game I could build on. He doesn’t,though. He just kind of is.
His list for Christmas was mostly video games and movies. He is now grounded from all screen time (and glued to my hip-sigh) for two months for repeatedly lying and cheating. It seems a bit cruel to buy him video (which we were not all that thrilled about doing in the first place)when he cannot access it until February. It seems like that is asking him to sneak behind our backs even more. We have spent much time and money trying different things to catch his interest. Nothing so far.Just video.
I need divine inspiration. (I mean that quite literally, by the way)
There is no way I am equipped to figure all this out on my own.

I have no idea when I when I will be able to get back here. As always, pray for us please. Youngest still scares me.I can’t help it. He does. I need to not let that show.I need more that a smidgen of wisdom when dealing with him.
He wants to come home. He has never wanted to be here before. It is what we hang on to.
I hope we are doing the right thing.

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I didn’t mean to disapear again-but I did

lenell — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:27:55 +0000

The main reason is a $354.00 bill for one month’s worth of WiFi. Yes,you read that correctly. Three-hundred and fifty-four dollars!
I wanted (and still do) to cry. Our last attempt at in-home internet has been dramatically ended. My teens swear upa nd down they were not streaming anything. I know I only go to boring places that do not draw a lot of bandwidth. So….. Either the phone company is gouging us,or my teens are lying through their innocent teeth. I was lied to by the phone company (and they admitted what I was told was not true). My teens also lie to me all the time for no reason whatsoever. In the end it does not matter. The result is the same. No contact with the outside world for mama or her adolescent children I know this will hurt me more than it will hurt them.
Sigh.

Still no baby girl. Her eviction date is next Monday. I’m sure her mama would like to be able to put her down once in a while.

My “adult” children still have no plans for their future. They are very content to stay home and watch movies.
Will someone please tell me why they feel the need to sneak in their Netflix movies? We did check contents when my daughter was very evasive over titles when her dad asked. There was nothing we wouldn’t allow in the house,so, once again, Why?
Today we had to corner the same daughter to pay us her little bit of rent. She had tears in her eyes and made me feel like a heal.I honestly do not know what else to do. She does not want to go to school. I have even offered an extra year of home school if she or her brother wanted it. Our long standing household rule has always been,if you are not in school-you pay rent. It is less than $200 per month. Still, I hate the silent drama each month as she avoids us until we force the issue. Honestly,I still see her when she passes me sideways with her back to me.
I also know this is indicative of her emotional/cognitive level. She has a boyfriend. She wants to be treated (sometimes) as an adult. The only way to keep her even slightly honest is to charge a bit of room and board. Her brother will have his rent start in January if things do not change for him.
my nineteen year old did finally submit his essay for his Mitchel award. We forced him to. Well,we suggested rather firmly it would be in his best interest. I drove him to a friends house so he could print it out. He never proof-read it. It was kicked back by his commander. And no,he isn’t the slightest bit embarrassed.He,too,is terrified of growing up and is doing everything in his power to stay a child.
His teeth are beginning to cross over themselves again. All that time money and energy into braces and he is letting his teeth go back.
I cannot tell if he is lazy,hates the discomfort of the retainer,or upset we have done something to change his appearance. I sometimes think it is the latter.
Mr. Fifteen cheated on his school all the time I’ve been gone to his sisters. We get to go back and start over.
I. Am. Burned. Out. Over. Homeschooling. I. Am. Sick and tired of having to eagle-eye a highschool-er for hours each day to make sure he is actually doing his school. now I get to sit at the table without any internet to pass my time.

In a little over three weeks Youngest will come home on pass.
My own PTSD is kicking in. He sounds very depressed when we talk to him. as far as I know there has been no therapist since late August. There is nothing I can do about it.

I think that is all the news that is fit to print. I have a lot festering in my brain right now,but I don’t have that much time at the library today.
You will have to make do with daily drivel.

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when consitency gets hard.

lenell — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 12:27:58 +0000

Right now staying consistent with my young “adults” is difficult. Both are now unemployed do to no fault of their own. this means for the first time they must hit the streets (or the internet) and fill out applications and deal with a boss who isn’t dad. Because they chose to spend their earnings freely instead of saving for a car,they are dependent on their dad’s schedule or catching rides. I have the van back,but I cannot promise I will not loan it out again. Neither one wants their drivers license which further complicates their search.
Our rule for adult children living at home has always been- if you aren’t in school,you pay rent. We give a grace period,but in the end we will charge rent. It is nominal,but it is there. My video game playing son will begin to pay rent in January. My nearly twenty year old’s rent will go up some in January. We are talking about less than two-hundred a month-not very much.
We are not cold hearted. If either one was seriously looking for work and keeping hold of what money they have,we would extend grace.
Unfortunately,at this juncture,neither is looking very hard for work,and both are still blowing their savings like it is water. Neither is interested enough in growing up to make any independent moves. My son is still buying video games even though we purchased him a Game Fly subscription for his birthday and he can play for free all year. They do not understand their money will run out.
I told my daughter and my son last night that rent is still due whether or not they have money in the bank-so hold on to their money. In real life rent is still due. Utilities still need payed. Groceries need bought. It is called real life.
I have a sinking feeling they are going to push the envelope on this one,be it because they honestly do not understand,or they think we will back down and fully support adults who do nothing but play games and talk on the phone.
I do not want to have to go there.
If they would take the job search seriously and not find work,I would be understanding. If they would be saving their money for nesesities I would give grace.If they would make any move at all on their own I would match it plus some.
They are not doing any of these things.
I feel horrible about pushing them to the edge of the nest. I really do. I am watching their friends pass them by. I am seeing the sadness and confusion it brings them.
We cannot enable them to stay dependent. We cannot enable them to take only and to never give. We have to expect them to at least try to be as independent as they are capable of.
This is about to get hard(er).

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