bored

I’m bored. I know I just jinxed myself. I know that the ‘B’ word and the ‘N’ word (never) should not be spoken aloud or written down. i am that superstitious.
The truth is, I am bored.
I get to spend just enough of my day carting the teens where they need to go, to keep from going where I would like to go. Of course we are broke this week as well. I am not big on blowing money,but it would be nice to be able to pick up some milk.
If my freezer wouldn’t had been left open we would have enough milk for several weeks. Instead, I have ricotta cheese and whey. Neither of which are very good in coffee.
My house is clean. I’ve run out of reading material. It is way too hot to be outside.
I am bored.
I suppose I could rip out the afghan I started last winter. For reasons that seemed valid at the time I decided I needed an afghan almost six feet long. Unfortunately, I ran out of yarn and Hobby Lobby no longer carries that color lot. If I rip it out and start over I have plenty of yarn to crochet a normal sized afghan.
It is too hot to think afghan.
I’m bored.
I do have a couple of projects I have been putting off.
It is too hot to do projects.
I’m still bored.
I think I will go to Half Price and browse their book selection. I do have some money left on my birthday gift cards.
Or, I could take a nap….
Books win!
I’d better enjoy this bit of boredom while I can.
youngest might actually make furlough this weekend.
I am never bored when he is home.

schizoid personality disorder

Then:

A few years ago (three to be specific) we had three of our children evaluated by a neuro-psychologist. The answers were not too surprising. Some of the news was actually good. All three had significant gains in IQ scores. All three were cooperative and cheerful;”a joy to work with”. All three did have some major areas of concern.
My oldest son in that group was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder.
This is the same son who had the cognitive decline at the onset of puberty.

Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, and emotional coldness.[1] SPD is rare compared with other personality disorders. Its prevalence is estimated at less than 1% of the general population.[2] It is not related to and should not be confused with schizophrenia.

What we were seeing at home was a nearly complete withdrawal from people. He lived in his fantasy books. It was the birthday he had to be brought out of his room and nearly forced to eat cake and open presents that made our concerns for him apparent to others. He would respond when talked to. He was always compliant with requests. He lied often and poorly,but that was the least of our concerns at that time. My son was content the way he was. He didn’t feel lonely. He felt annoyed if we intruded on his reading-even if it meant cake and gifts.
Once we had a diagnosis, we had to make decisions as parents. It did not seem to us something to just accept. We had (and have) no money for expensive treatments that offer little gain. We did have a good knowledge of our son and also the success of raising his IQ from the mid 80’s to the 100-110 range.
I am the teaching parent in our home. I am the one who pours over all the neuropsych,behavioral and FAS research.
My husband is my sounding board and the voice of reality. He lets me know if I need to back off. He lets me know when he sees progress I miss. He helps me understand how boys think.
Over the course of a few months we made changes. We instituted mandatory game participation. I found out about Civil Air Patrol and asked if anyone was interested. To my surprise,both the older two were. After the younger boy was in karate for a bit, my husband and I “encouraged” the older two to join as well. The grown kids began seeking their brother out when they were over. No on allowed him to escape to his room. We went back to both boys sharing a bedroom. The older boy did much better when he wasn’t alone. We insisted that all reading until bedtime be done in the main part of the house.
We made sure to do more family related outings. We had this son begin ordering his own food at restaurants. Just this year I began insisting he make his own phone calls.
Slowly,steadily,he has made progress. My son is still very shy and hates large groups of people. (That’s OK,so do I) He is still in karate and is very good at it. He has to spend some of his time assisting with the younger children. That forces him to inter-react. He is not allowed to isolate at CAP. He is making friends now.They aren’t close friends,but they like my son and he jokes and cuts up with them. He has even been to a couple of parties.
Yesterday, my son began his first real job. He is a host in a restaurant. His entire job description is dealing with customers. He has to deal with every sort of person,some of them quite difficult.He is still a little shy,but he is doing it.
He is empathetic He wasn’t two years ago. He is now. He can feel another’s pain. He notices if a family member is uncomfortable.
He sees value in others.

Just because a child has a diagnosis, does not mean they are damned to carry it through out their life. It took both my son and my husband and myself a lot of work to get to this point. If we would have just accepted the diagnosis my son would still be living in his books and not in the world. His life would have been emptier.
He wasn’t a lot of trouble when he was withdrawn. It was a lot of trouble drawing him out.

Now

grief, revisited

Grief cycles. The first round is so painful,as to be almost unbearable. The second,is still extremely painful.After the second round,grief is painful,but bearable. The problem after the initial grieving,is grief comes unexpectedly. Sometimes it blindsides. Sometimes it creeps in; slowly darkening the day.
I am grieving.
Having a child with serious emotional problems is in many ways like having a child with a terminal illness. Always hoping for the miracle. Always hoping for life without undue suffering. Always knowing in the back of your mind that the prognosis isn’t good.
In many ways my son’s difficulties are of no fault of his own. He never asked to be abused and then thrown away,anymore than another child would ask for cancer.
That is where the comparison breaks down,of course. A child with a potential terminal illness has no control over the outcome. All he can do is cope with the treatment and with the disease.
My son has options. Many of his problems are of his own making. He has to face the fact he is ill. He has to want to heal. He has a choice.
I am watching my twelve year old son slowly self destruct and I feel helpless to stop him.
I am feeling the grief he doesn’t allow himself to feel.I am grieving for a childhood lost. I am grieving for a son I cannot reach. I am grieving for a future that will only include pain and suffering;not just my son,but those whom he comes in contact with. He externalizes his anger. He will someday be very dangerous if his descent isn’t halted.
I have been rereading everything I own on attachment. I have been rethinking everything we did and did not do for youngest son. My head tells me we did,and are doing most things right. Not everything,of course. There were times I reacted instead of acted. On the whole those times were few and far between. We never punished. Our consequences were fair and appropriate.We never shamed. We rarely became angry.We did,and do love our son unconditionally.
My heart tells me I have failed somehow. My heart grieves the loss of a son I barely know.
We are back at square one.
My words to my son are matter of fact. My words to myself are full of despair.
I wish, sometimes, I could be more clinical;less emotionally involved. I wish I could wash my hands and say “enough”.
We are doing all we can within our power to help this son.
We did not abuse him. We did not abandon him. He came to us broken in soul. He came to us hating. He came to us terrified. He came to us determined we were no different than those who came before us. He came determined to hurt us, before we could hurt him.
We have yet to find a way to shift his beliefs. We cannot find a way to safely have him home.
So we continue to love.
We continue to pray for a miracle.
We continue to hold on tenuously to hope.
We continue to grieve.

surreal

This afternoon I was contacted by youngest son’s case manager. He has had four incident reports in one day. He is now running from the staff. There will be a meeting tomorrow to come up with a behavior contract and to see if there is a way to manage him better. His case manager said that if he is removed back to detention there is a very good chance he will end up in juvenile prison. No one wants this for him.
A few minutes ago youngest called home for his scheduled phone call.
He is doing well,he says. Two of his incidents have been removed, he told me. He then told me a convoluted story about the nurse almost giving him the wrong medications. Last Sunday he told me was in pain because of a tooth. I forgot to look in his mouth on Monday,so when the nurse called about his antidepressant I asked her about his tooth ache. She knew nothing of my son being in pain. He has never even asked for an ibuprofen in the last week. Tonight he was telling me about his tooth again. This was the reason he almost took someone else’s meds. I mentioned to him that I had just talked to the nurse and what she told me. I also told him I was making him an appointment to get his teeth cleaned and had already discussed who would transport etc. His entire affect changed and he switched subjects completely. He talked about a movie he had watched . I did tell him I was concerned about the amount of violence and would be talking to the staff about R rated movies. He was not happy with that.
Time was then up. I deliberately did not tell him about tomorrow’s meeting. I think We’ll surprise him.

back to school and frustration with “professionals”

Today we are starting back to school. We will start with half days,two to three days a week. It is way too hot to be outdoors. We might as well get a jump on next year. I am having them do the basics for now. Math, English and Chemistry for the older two and math,English and spelling for my seventh grader. Not one of the three of them is complaining. I wouldn’t say they are jumping up and down with joy and kissing my feet either. I think the feeling is more along the lines of “nothing much else to do when it is 104 degrees outside;might as well get ahead (or catch up some) on school”.

I am beginning to twitch when ever we have a meeting with professionals and my youngest son. I am beginning to truely dislike the profession of psychiatry; dislike being a very weak adjective describing my emotion.
My son is tanking again. We are saddened but not surprised. He does not want to face the people and life here at home. There will be no party for him. There will be line of sight to arms length supervision. There are siblings that are going to keep their distance for a while. He has to face what he left behind.I am sure that scares him. We have told him we will help him get through it. But- and this is a very big but with all capital letters in a giant font-he will have to follow the rules of the house. He will not be allowed to rule our home with his violence. We (his dad and I) know this will be hard for him. We also know he is strong enough to handle it.
This is not a comfort to him. He has received over 30 sanctions and four incident reports between last Wednesday and yesterday. He will only look at me with hatred again. He turns his head away at any attempt at eye contact. Nothing is his fault. He has lost all understanding of the rules. He is confused.He doesn’t mean it.
His psychiatrist tried to tell us our son was ADHD. That is why he disrupts the other boys in class and why he violates the rules. I tried to explain that it was, in fact, willful behavior. I also tried very hard to have a conversation with youngest,including getting out of my seat and kneeling in front of him so I could be eye level with him. I was told this was the worst thing I could have done. I am not to engage him when he is like this. That is why my son escalates. I am encouraging the power struggle.I tried to explain that my son escalated worse if his negative behavior is ignored,but ended up looking like a fool and crying. I had to leave the room.
We are once again afraid he will blow placement. He is running out of alternatives.
I don’t feel vindicated when he treats the staff the way he treats his family. I feel despair.
I don’t know why I cried. I rarely cry outside of the family. I pride myself on my emotional control.
Some control.
The therapist followed me into the hall when I broke down, led me to to an empty room and let me cry. She saw his face when I was trying to get him to look at me. She asked if that was the expression he wore when he was going to escalate. I told her, yes. If he would have been home he would have become violent. I told her that no matter how we handle him, when he is like that, he escalates.
He is the most violent when we are matter of fact with him.
She told me it appears he enjoys causing pain. He is the most complicated child she has ever seen.

My husband did damage control with the professional person after I left the room.
My husband told me he calmly reiterated to the psychiatrist how we handle our son at home. He repeated how our son will tell us he decides just how angry he will be at any given time,how he escalates irregardless of intervention. He explained that we have tried everything that has ever been suggested with the exception of no consequence. Not one approach has deescalate our son. Not one.
In the end, the psychiatrist was in a hurry.Vacation time,I suspect. No med changes for now.
The psychiatrist told our son he was acting like a five year old and he needed to stop.
For this he earns the big bucks.
I do not like having to talk about my son while he is in the room. It seems somehow dehumanizing The doctor talks as if my son were a part of the furniture. He asks questions and makes comments that gives my son new ways to manipulate. It is kind of like my son is a gallbladder instead of a boy.
I am also tired of being talked down to. I am tired of it being assumed we are to blame through omission or commission for my son’s problems. I am tired of it being assumed we have never parented traumatized children before. I have been doing this for twenty plus years. I wish that the same professionals that tell us our son is RAD would at least spend some time researching what that means. I wish someone besides us could see that it is a life lost if my son cannot heal. Maybe more than one.

Will someone please tell me how to reach my son?
We cannot work on his trauma or our attachment while he is in the Academy. He cannot come home until he can refrain from wanting to hurt me physically. He funnels all of his hate and self loathing onto me.
We are in a catch 22.
I could use some success stories about now. Somewhere,someone has adopted an older child who has been as badly hurt as our son. Surely,someone has a child who eventually healed enough to be safe?
Someone?

cardboard boat regatta and teen employment

Saturday was, besides the anniversary of our nation’s Declaration of Independence,
the day of the infamous cardboard boat regatta. Our kids received two trophies;the Big Bertha Award (largest boat to complete the race),and the Fastest Boat Award (self explanatory). It was a lot fun. It was also hot. Very,very hot.
I am the mom who is always harping on her kids to wear sunscreen,irregardless of how dark complected they are. To bring home the dangers of several hours in the 107 degree heat, I selflessly forgot to apply sunscreen to myself.
Ouch!
Double ouch!
My family,alway sympathetic to my endless suffering on their behalf-laughed at me.
It is hard work being a martyr in this family.

On the teenage employment front, my seventeen year old is going to train to be a server. She asked to be trained. If she can successfully serve,she can if she has to, support herself.(barely)She is showing Quite a bit of initiative lately. I am very proud of how hard she is working. At twelve,we thought she would be with us forever. Six months ago, I was thinking she would be home until her mid-twenties. Now we are thinking she might be able to move on by twenty.That is a tremendous amount of growth in a short period of time.
Not to be outdone, my sixteen year old has a job interview on Wednesday. He is nervous,but resigned to his fate. He is also beginning to look forward to some ready cash. He isn’t my first son to need a kick in the seat of his pants to motivate towards gainful employment. I think working outside the home will be good for him. There is nothing like a hard earned pay check to inspire confidence.
In the interest of keeping this post upbeat and positive, I will write about youngest son’s visit with his psychiatrist later.

Happy Independence Day

Something to think about:
IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

— John Hancock

New Hampshire:
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York:
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware:
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina:
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina:
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

no furlough,a sleeping kitten and laundry

My son will not be on furlough this weekend. I do not think he will qualify for next either. A week ago I would have felt disappointed. After Monday’s meeting and Wednesday’s visit, I am relieved. So are the kids.
How sad is that.
I think I forgot to mention we have the kitten back. He is currently curled up in my lap,sound asleep. There is nothing more comforting than a sleeping kitten in the lap.
My thirteen year old has just taken on washing his own laundry. What this means in reality is he often wears the exact same clothes for days on end. He is used to me handing him clean clothes every day. This has been a bit of a transition for him. His brother has been doing his own laundry for a few years now. I always know when he is running out of clean clothes. He starts to wear his brown tee shirts with shorts. He only wears shorts as a last resort. I can even tell you what order he will wear his shorts until he does laundry. He owns 6 brown tee shirts,so he can wear quite a few before he goes naked. On his laundry day he will wear old gray shorts with an orange stripe. They once were long pants, but he unzipped the lower legs years ago. He has owned these shorts since he was twelve, and yes, they are too small.
This afternoon I reminded the thirteen year old (who has been wearing the same tee shirt for three days now) we would be out and about tomorrow for the forth. I also reminded him he cannot be in public in dirty or ratty clothes. This includes the tee shirts whose necks he has stretched out so his skinny chest shows.
“I know mom” he replied cheerfully.
Five minutes later, both he and his brother (wearing the camo shorts with a brown tee shirt) came down stairs carrying about four loads of dirty laundry between them. I’m glad I said something.
My daughter does her laundry-but only part of it at a time. She hides the rest in her closet. Now that she is working,she has been know to buy more clothes and delay washing the dirty ones.
My grown son and his wife have all the rest beat.
When we moved north they brought over twelve, thirty gallon garbage bags overflowing with dirty clothes. Twelve. The young couple had innocently asked to use my washer to “get caught up on laundry”. They did two loads and then vanished for two weeks. My son knew it would drive me crazy having all that laundry in my basement and I would eventually wash it. He was right. I did. I’m a sap.
My son and daughter in law,were childless college students at the time. Whenever they ran out of clothes,they bought new.
They were thrifty,however. Most of their jeans and sweaters were from Goodwill.

tired

I’m not sure why I am so tired. The kids at home are doing well. Money is tight,but it has been much tighter before. I do know that the inflation that the government tells me doesn’t exist is eating up an awful lot of our income. The kids at home are doing pretty well. A couple of them are making some large strides and the thirteen year old,well he has been living quite pleasantly in his own world. They are easy kids to have around.
Youngest is still youngest. That is hard for me, I suppose. when he regresses it is into opposition and violence. He is regressing. He is getting in trouble again. He doesn’t want to come home. Perhaps it isn’t so much that he doesn’t want to be home. Perhaps, it is more he doesn’t want to face the ramifications.He has to face the people he has hurt. There is no new placement. There is just us. He will still have to participate in family life.
He has a dilemma. He no longer likes where he is. He wants out. Badly. Unfortunately,he does not want to come home unless he calls the shots (and what kid really wants to call all the shots?) He isn’t going to be allowed to call the shots. Quite a problem for my son.
That still doesn’t explain why I am so beat.
I think I will take a nap and call it good.

family meeting

Yesterday was the family counseling session in which we brought the rest of the kids.
I am still trying to proccess it. We all left slightly sick to our stomachs. Youngest was escorted out looking bewildered,I was told.
I did not see him because I was holding my sobbing seventeen year old daughter. It is so hard on her and the boys. My sixteen year old looked as if he was about to cry as well. My thirteen year son old just looked lost. both boys were ticking.
And youngest? He entered the room with his gangsta stance and would only look at (and make eye contact with) the facilitator. He reacted to and talked with the boys completely different than he did my daughter or myself.
He has no remorse. he knows intellectually what behaviors he needs to change. He even volunteered a couple that we only suspected. He added he would not hurt the animals or the little kids (grandkids) anymore.
I am omitting most of what was said durring the hour. We did go over ground rules for while he was home. Things like arm’s reach supervision until we were sure he could be safe. The kids made it clear they wanted him to come home,if he would quit trying to destroy it.
He did admit he thinks I’m an idiot for seeing good in him. I asked.
I then asked him if he knew what my IQ was. He said no. I told him it was 160. (OK so I exaggerated just a bit) His eyes got big. I asked him if that was the IQ of a stupid person. “No” he said,still slightly awed by my superior intellect (OK, so I am putting a bit of color in here).
“So,” I asked him “If someone with an IQ of 160 thinks there is good within you,You think maybe there is?”
It was toward the end of the meeting my daughter broke down and started weeping. It was weeping; not crying. She let me hold her and I rocked her as well as I could. Once she was calmer, she told us she was crying for both her brother and for herself. Old wounds are being flayed open.
My husband said that youngest looked taken aback by his sister’s tears. She is a tough thing. She rarely cries and never in front of strangers. Her brother has never seen her cry.
My husband said he left looking subdued.
Tonight my youngest son called. He was chipper and upbeat. He wasn’t sure he would make private this week. (the “rank” he needs to make to begin visits home). He hadn’t tested yet.
I hope the visit is delayed, to tell the truth. It would be better if his first time back home was not on July 4TH.
I want so desperately for him to be doing better. I want to hang onto the hope I felt on Sunday.
I feel bad for the other children. This is causing them an enormous amount of pain.
They didn’t sign up for this.